Monthly Archives: August 2018

Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 10, 11 & 12

Scene 10 Board Meeting
Chow Down Head Office

Poppa Tops, President & CEO, and all the VP’s, including Premier Hoodwink, are sitting around the stone slab table. PT convenes the meeting.

PT: Alright. Spinner, let’s get this meeting underway.
Spin: Welcome to the second Annual General Meeting of Chow Down Corporation for the year 64 million, 998 thousand, and one BC. The minutes from the last meeting of the year 64 million, 998 thousand, and two BC were distributed to all directors. Are there any corrections or?
PT: Cut the nonsense! I got other things to do. [He has Madge from the Stonettes hanging on his arm.] I just want to know how Chow Down corporation is doing. Let’s have the reports. Adder, let’s start with you.

Adder puts a chart on an easel. The heading is ‘Market Research’. The graph shows a steadily climbing line.

Adder: We’ve got great news, PT. We conducted our market research survey – in record time, I might add – and found that Chow Down’s market share has been climbing steadily to the point where 95% of the population are Chow Down customers.
PT: Brilliant! Excellent report Adder! Great work, Team!
Adder: Thanks, PT.
PT: Remind me later to offer you a promotion. And now, let’s here from the sales department. Give us your report, Scalar.

Scalar goes to the easel and takes the same chart but turns it end-to-end and upside down so that the graph now shows a steady decline. The old heading is upside down on the bottom and the new heading is ‘Sales’.

Scalar: Our report takes a somewhat cautionary note. It appears that there’s been a correction in the market. Our projections at this point indicate that sales are down.
PT: Down? How far down?
Scalar: Oh… about 95%.
PT: What??? What’s this all about? How can you have 95% market share and a 95% decline in sales???
Scalar: It’s because there isn’t any market. The population is rapidly declining.
PT: What’s going on, here?
Adder: He’s right, PT. We were able to conduct our last market research survey in record time because there were almost no dinosaurs to interview. But, let me say again, our key message is that 95% of those interviewed are loyal Chow Down customers.
PT: Oh, shut up! What’s happening to all our customers? Where are they going? Is there a competitor (pugnaciously and the TSBs get excited)?
Scalar: No, there’s just our company in the market.
PT: Whew. But what’s happening to the population? Don’t those dumb lizards lay eggs anymore?
Scalar: Yes, but they need to eat more than donuts. The problem is that there are no forests for them to graze in.
PT: Why is that?
Spin: Remember, PT, you got us to clear all the forests?
PT: Right. But we needed that land to produce the donuts. But what about the carnivores? They don’t need to graze in the forests!
Scalar: But they eat the herbivores and, without the forest, they’re running out of food too.
PT: Oh, right… So let’s plant some trees. Make a new forest!
Spinner: Brilliant! That would be great PR, PT.
Adder: I can see the campaign, now! Chow Down plants trees, helping to feed hungry herbivores. The carnivores would love it too. We could launch it with?
Scalar: Wait a minute! We need that land for the factories. That’s why we took it in the first place.
Adder: What? Oh yeah.
[pause]
PT: Let me get this straight. If we give back the land, we can’t make as many donuts and we lose customers. Right?
Scalar: That’s right, PT.
PT: On the other hand, if we keep the land, we can make lots of donuts, but there won’t be any dinosaurs to eat them and we lose customers. Right?
Scalar: Right again, PT.
PT: So whatever we do, we lose customers. Right?
Spinner: Brilliantly put!
Adder: You’ve nailed it, PT!
PT: Humph!…
Hmmm… Then the choice is clear. We give our esteemed directors a generous severance package, liquidate the company, and declare bankruptcy.

All start protesting and talking at once.

Spinner: Oh no. We can’t do that! Think of how it will look. How would we ever position that one?
Adder: What? No, no, not that! Our ad campaign, what would happen to it? That would be terrible!
Scalar: Bankruptcy! We can’t do that! Think of the bottom line! It would be a disaster! Financial ruin!
PT: Boys! Boys! You’re missing the point. A little bankruptcy can be a beautiful thing. Maestro, a “B7” please…

Owed to Bankruptcy
Poppa Tops

PT: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

The buck? We’re going to pass it
And kick them in the asset
They’ll all be seeing stars
Because of Bankruptcy

All: They’ll all be seeing stars
Because of Bankruptcy

PT: So what if all our creditors
Will have to take a dive?
In business, as in Darwin,
It’s the fittest that survive

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

Spin: And all this corporate clean-up?
Rip: We talked but didn’t mean it
Ugh: Yet no one’s behind bars
Steg: All thanks to Bankruptcy

All: Yet no one’s behind bars
All thanks to Bankruptcy

PT: Now ‘lizard eat lizard’ is the winning attitude
So keep the big guys happy, let the little guys get chewed!

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

Premier: This planet is a mess-up
You think we need to fess up?
We’ll leave the mess behind
And declare Bankruptcy

All: We’ll leave the mess behind
And declare Bankruptcy

PT: [spoken] One more time, boys!

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy!

All laugh conspiratorially as though sharing an ‘in’ joke.

PT: Well boys… corporation dissolved and meeting adjourned!

All exit in good spirits.

Scene 11
Sky’s the Limit – Outside

Final Finale Part 1

A driving, insistent, rock beat begins. The volcano is heating up and the sky is darkened by storm clouds. There is much chaos and violence. Throughout the scene, characters enter and exit the stage in panic and distress. Sometimes they fight over a box of donuts; some are pursued; others are in pursuit. Enter Premier & entourage with a sign: “RE-ERECT PREMIER HOODWINK”

Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan! Judgment Day has arrived. Today you cast your vote and choose the leader who will take you bravely into a future of prosperity.
Assistant: They don’t seem to be paying attention, Your Worship.
Hoodwink: As your Premier, I will continue to take real action against violence [someone screams as they get assaulted]; I will end political corruption [someone slips him some money which he pockets]; and I promise you a secure future for you and your families [volcano spurts].
Denizens of Yucatan will continue to have lots to eat and herbivores may safely graze?
Assistant: Excuse me. That’s the old speech sir.
Hoodwink: What? Oh right. Denizens of Yucatan, you have enjoyed an unequaled standard of living thanks to the magnanimity of Chow Down Corp. Now we are boldly entering an era of exciting new opportunities. And who is better suited to lead you into this golden age?… I ask you who is better suited to lead you into a glorious future?… I ask you? They’re not responding. What’s wrong with these stupid lizards?
Assistant: There’s no food and no jobs, sir. Riots are breaking out everywhere.
Hoodwink: Denizens, remember the good thing about things being bad is that things can only get better! It can’t get any worse, so look forward to a brighter future.
Dinos: “Down with Chow Down!” “Boo!” “Down with Premier Hoodwink!”

A Whole Lot Worse! an up-tempo downer
Premier, various solos and chorus

TBA_1: Our grazing lands are factories
The food they made was junk!
But then those plants went belly up
And now we smell a skunk!

TBA_2: And all we do is fight it out
Or stand around and curse
And if you think that this is bad
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can, can, can

Betty: The streets are filled with violence
The dam’s about to burst!
The volcano’s going to blow its top
How can it get much worse?

Hoodwink: Forget this talk of doom and gloom
And listen to me first
I tell you now there is no way
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Cause it just can’t!
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no, it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no, it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Oh yes it can, can, can

Bert: And bugs are spreading pestilence
They swarm and make us curse
And many will grow sick and die
But here’s the very worst:

All stop and listen.

The sky will fall and end it all
And that’s the final verse
That asteroid tops all the rest
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can
Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can
Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can, can, can
Great Balls of Fire!
Others: Oh no!

The denizens exit, leaving Bert and Bettie alone. Bert, in mime, says goodbye to Betty. She exits. Poppa Tops, Premier Hoodwink and Spinner enter. Bert avoids them and goes behind a rock for a nap.

Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan, today is Election Day and we all must do our civic duty.
Dinos: [More unruly shouting. Some denizens exit.]
Hoodwink: Good denizens! Remember, a vote for Hoodwink is a vote for a kinder, gentler place, a community where all may live in peace and harmony?
PT: Save it Hoodwink.
Premier: What?
PT: Save your breath. You’re already elected. My boys just gave you a landslide victory. Congratulations. Besides, none of these lizards are listening to all that garbage.
Hoodwink: Oh. Uh… Denizens of Yucatan, I thank you for this overwhelming victory. I pledge to lead?
PT: Enough, already. We need you to make an announcement, to issue a proclamation.
Hoodwink: Uh, sure PT. What would you like me to proclaim?
PT: Too many of these stupid lizards are clearing out of Yucatan. I want it to stop. From this point on, no one is allowed to leave Yucatan.
Hoodwink: OK, PT. But why do want them to stay?
PT: We need all the bodies we can get?especially the feathered ones. We need customers for my next business.
Hoodwink: What business is that?
PT: Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx!

Bert sits up suddenly.

PT: You know all those new feathered, flying dinosaurs? Turns out they taste pretty damn good barbecued.
Hoodwink: You don’t say?
PT: Especially when they’re basted with Poppa Tops own secret recipe! You thought donuts were big? Wait till Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx hits the market. POW!
Hoodwink: But how are these creatures going to pay? Will there be enough jobs for everyone?
PT: Hell no. We learned our lesson with donuts. Nonetheless, Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx will be a guaranteed success…thanks to Government subsidies. Look around. Don’t you think the economy needs some stimulus?
Hoodwink: Yeah, I suppose it does.
PT: Well, that’s where you come in! First, issue the proclamation that no denizen is allowed to leave Yucatan or #@$%! [slitting throat gesture]. Go ahead. Do it.
Hoodwink: OK. Here goes: Denizens of Yucatan! Here Ye! Here Ye! I hereby proclaim that no creature is allowed to leave the land of Yucatan. Anyone found trying to cross the border will be executed! [denizens groan] But do not despair! That leading citizen, Poppa Tops, will soon be announcing a new business. Prosperity will return to Yucatan once more. But remember, you try to leave and you’re dead meat!

The remaining denizens exit confused and grumbling.

PT: Good enough. Now let’s go draw up some legislation for a really big stimulus package!
Premier: What’s a stimulus package?
Premier: I’ll tell you all about it over dinner. And, dinner’s on me tonight. I bet you can guess what we’re having? Ha-ha-ha. Yucatan-Fried Archaeopteryx! Made with Poppa Tops own secret recipe!
TSB’s: Yum!

PT, Premier, assistant & TSB’s exit. Bert come out from behind the rock.

Final Finale Part 2

Instrumental music resumes. Again, various creatures enter and exit in panic and distress, sometimes fighting over a box of donuts. Rip and Bron enter and grab an innocent archaeopteryx and drag her away. Ugh and Steggy enter and grab another and exit. Bert observes this in terror.

Bert: I’ve got to get the kids out of here! Where are they?

Betty and the kids enter.

Betty: Bert!
Bert: Betty! Archie, Trixie, Obie! I’m so glad you’re all OK.
Betty: What’s happening Bert?
Bert: It’s chaos. Mobs are ruling the streets. And now Poppa Tops has started a new business. [Bert whispers to Betty]
Betty: Yucatan-Fried what? Oh no! What are we going to do?
Bert: Kids, you’re go… uh…we’re going to leave Yucatan right away.
Betty: Yes. You leave first and we’ll catch up later.
Archie: We don’t want to go without you!
Trixie: No.
Obie: We’ll wait for you.
Betty: No, no, you must leave now. With your wings, you can reach a better place more quickly.
Bert: Fly westward across the mountains and don’t stop until you find a new valley. We’ll follow.
Betty: And don’t look back.
Trixie: I don’t want to go!
Betty: You all must be brave and find a new life – with or without us.
Bert: There’s too much danger here in Yucatan.
Obie: But why?
Betty: It has to be!
Bert: Remember what we’ve always told you? How some things are written in the stars?
Trixie: I remember.
Betty: Think of that now. Remember that song we sang?
Trixie: I do.

The relentless music does relent and the kids sing a more anthem-like song about their destinies. Bert and Betty and the other creatures, during a few moments of calm, join in as a choir. Trixie sings verse 1; Obie sings verse 2 with the other two singing harmony. The company enters on the bridge.

Written in the Stars
Trixie, Obie, Archie and Company

There are those things written in the stars
There are actors on the stage
And all will play their parts
There’s a tale, the telling must be told
Though we linger on the page
Where young become the old
And we all must find our light
And know our lines by heart
As we play what’s written in the stars

There is music playing in the spheres
When the night is soft and still
We find it in our ears
And we know which part to harmonize
And we add a turn or trill
And freely improvise
But the lines may take us from
The song we long to hear
As we play the music in the spheres

Can the record of this life
Be all but the smallest grain of sand?
Can the moments of such strife
Be buried in barren land?
There must be more!
So little we understand

How can all our hopes and dreams,
The promise of life we feel in birth,
Be no more than hopeless schemes
Erased from the face of earth?

So with love, only love
All we be, all we are
We will write what’s written in our star
We will write what’s written in our star

When I hear that music from afar
Then I know that love is all
We write… upon a star.

An eruption from the volcano shocks everyone into action and the driving music returns. Other creatures become panicky once again and exit leaving Bert, Betty and their kids on stage alone.

Betty: Go now, kids
Bert: There’s no time to lose.
Archie: I guess we better go.
Trixie: Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad.
Obie: Goodbye.
Betty: Go now, kids
Bert: Don’t forget. Over the mountains and don’t stop until you find the new green valley.
Archie: Goodbye.

They watch the kids fly off.

Betty: They are strong flyers, Bert.
Bert: I still don’t know how they got those wings. [flapping his arms, hopping up and down. Shakes his head in confusion.] I can’t do that.
Betty: We’d better go too.
Bert: Betty, I don’t think we’ll have time to get out of this valley.
Betty: Let them try and stop us! That stupid proclamation won’t stop us!
Bert: There’s another problem. Look up there.
Betty: What is that?
Bert: I don’t know exactly, but it is getting larger by the minute. I’ve been watching it for quite a while and I’m afraid it’s coming this way.
Betty: Oh.

Rip enters quickly, followed by Bron. Rip has a coiled up vine intended for tying up the kids.

Rip: All right you two, where are those kids of yours?
Betty: They’re on their way home. Why?
Rip: Well the Premier and Poppa Tops wants your entire family to come right now…uh…for dinner. [Rip realizes the vine/rope is a giveaway so he tosses it behind him.]
Bron: Oh…oh…look, Rip, pretty flying things.
Rip: What? Why those are your kids! Don’t you know that no creatures are allowed to leave Yucatan! Get them to turn around and come back.
Bert: I’ve been trying to, but – you know kids – they never listen. Maybe you could call them?
Rip: Smart guy! I’m not going to call them. I’m going to bring them down.

Rip prepares to take off. Betty delays him while Bert ties the vine around Rip’s foot. He lifts up one of Bron’s front feet and puts it on top of the other end.

Betty: Wait a minute, Rip. They’re not leaving Yucatan. They’re just sight-seeing.
Rip: Get out of my way!
Betty: Look. I think they’re starting to turn back.
Rip: Ha! You can’t fool me! I said get out of my way! Here I go!

Rip makes his sputtering noises as he revs up. He runs off stage left as though tearing down a runway. The coil of rope is pulled off stage, gets taut, and there is a slide whistle descent, a scream and a crashing noise.

Bert: Bron, I think your pal Rip just went over the cliff. You better go see how he is.
Bron: Oh, yeah, you’re right. [lumbering to stage left] Hey Rip! You OK?
Rip: [from off stage, far away] No! I’m not OK! Get me up from here!
Bron: What was that?
Rip: I said I’m not OK– Bron! Don’t lean over the edge!
Bron: What did you say?
Rip: I said don’t lean over the edge!
Bron: Lean over the what? Whoa!
Rip: Bron! Stop! Stop!
Bron: Whoops! This slope sure is slippery! Rip, I’m coming down.
Rip: Aaah! Stop! Stop!
Bron: Whoooooaaaaaa!

There is another descending sound and an even louder crash followed by a crunch.

Bert: Ooo…right on top of him. What a mess!
Betty: Bert, we better get out of here!
Bert: Look at the kids. They are almost over the mountains. Can you see them?
Betty: Yes. But it’s getting harder…
Bert: I can just make them out. They are almost past the peaks…
Betty: Ah! They made it!
Bert: Oh yes! They’re gone…just in time…

Final Finale Part 3

The relentless music resumes. Enter Poppa Tops, Spinner, Ugh and Steg. The end of this track is the transition to Scene 12, when the characters return to  fossils in the Museum.

PT: What’s going on? Where are Rip and Bron? They were supposed to bring your… uh, you and your lovely children – to dinner.
Bert: Maybe they got lost?
Betty: Yeah. They probably took a wrong turn.
PT: Hmm. It’s not like them to do that.
Spinner: Hey Boss. Look at this! [Following the tracks] Look down there!
PT: Yech! What a mess! Now… you two are going to pay for this! “A wrong turn!” was it? Huh!
Betty: Rip just had a bit of an accident.
Bert: And Bron tried to help.
PT: Enough of this. Grab those two!
Bert: Forget it, Tops. You’re never going to get your Yucatan-Fried Archaeopteryx idea off the ground.
PT: Who told you about that? [looks at his accomplices who try to look innocent] Well, what’s going to stop me?
Betty: That! [pointing heavenward]
PT: What is that?
Betty: It’s really, really big and it’s coming right at you!
PT: Is she right? What’s going on here, Brainosaurus?
Bert: She’s right. It’s a great ball of fire and it is heading right at you.
Ugh: Gosh!
Spin: They might be right, boss! I think it is coming this way!
Steg: Holy Tarsands! What are we going to do PT?
PT: I’m thinking. I’m thinking. Boys…and girl…uh…we better be going. Let’s get to my cave right away. We’ll take care of these two later.
Bert: Yeah! You better get to your cave right away!
PT: What’s that noise? Let’s get out of here! [Starts to exit…accomplices scream]
Bert: Betty… [Bert reaches his arm up towards her]
Betty: Bert… [Betty does likewise, assuming the pose of the fossilized pair]

Before Poppa Tops and his entourage can exit, the action freezes at the crescendo of the music. There is a flash of light, a loud chord and then it is suddenly quiet. On a sustained tone, in a frozen dreamlike moment, the dinosaurs move into their original fossil positions. Betty and Bert face each other. The lights slowly dim to the level of the opening scene, recreating the fossils in the rocks. The frenetic Final Finale music becomes quieter and more remote.

Scene 12
Epilogue – A museum

We shift to modern times. The lights get brighter and a mother and father and three children walk through an exhibit of fossils. The kids are animated and point at various exhibits. After a minute – a museum security guard enters, casually.

Guard: Closing time, folks.

The family, except for the smallest child, move across the stage towards the exit. They wait as the child lingers for a few seconds at the Betty-Bert fossil. Then she runs off to join the rest of her family. The family exits. The guard smiles to himself and gently shakes his head, and exits in the opposite direction.

Music ends. Fade to Black…

Fin

[The curtain call song is one chorus of “Evolution Gets It Right”, played quickly in the style of The Flintstones theme.]

Copyright © 2018 ~ Doug Jamieson
www.dougjam.ca
Leave a comment

Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 7, 8 & 9

Scene 7 – Why?
Bert’s Place

Bert is dejected. He is mucking about his ‘lab’ but is not enthusiastic about inventing anymore. He has lost Betty and his big invention is causing mass destruction. Bert sings a Platters-like song with male back-up vocals doing the “oo’s” and the “wha-wha-wha-wha’s”:

Why?  (no demo yet)
Bert and Betty’s Mom

Why?
Tell me why did I
Think that I was just the cleverest guy?
Now that Betty’s gone and left me
My heart just wants to die
Like a fool, I keep on asking “Why?”

Betty, my darling [spoken over back vocals]
You have gone away
And I may never see you again
And my big idea
Turned out to be a whole lot of junk food!
Is this the way my life will end?
Will my last days be all alone, filled with shame, down at rock bottom, without a friend, up that creek without a paddle… always wondering:

Betty’s mom enters unobserved by Bert.

Why?
Tell me why did I
Think that I should even bother to try?
Every plan had such promise
But all went awry
Like a fool, I keep on asking “Why?”

Background vocals continue.

BM: You’re right, Bert.
Bert: Betty’s Mom!
BM: You’re right, Bert. You are a fool!
Bert: What do you mean?
BM: We’re all shook up. We lost our grazing lands thanks to your bright idea!
Bert: Yes, I heard.
BM: Though I must say those donuts are very yummy. All that sugar… and honey, honey… But we can’t live on junk food alone!
Bert: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…
BM: And that’s not all. While you ‘frittered’ away your time, my dear Betty became a wild thing, a run-run-runaway! She took off with the leader of the pack to a town without pity!
Bert: Oh no.
BM: I told her, “Baby, baby, it’s a wild world that’s been the ruin of many a poor girl!”
Bert: Oh dear.
BM: But she wouldn’t listen. She said, “Mom, it’s now or never.”
Bert: Gosh.
BM: And that’s not all.
Bert: There’s more?
BM: She is working at the Big Bang Club!
Bert: Oh! That’s terrible.
BM: That place is like the eve of destruction: nothing but bad eggs, junk food and rock and roll!
Bert: Maybe she’ll come back! Maybe she’ll just walk right in?
BM: That’ll be the day! And that’s not all.
Bert: There’s more?
BM: The only reason she left was because she was tired of waiting for you-oo-oo.
Bert:For me?
BM: Only you.
Bert: See what a fool I’ve been!
BM: Were you ever! And it makes me wonder:

BM: [sings] Why?
Why do you sit and sigh?
Are you really such a dud of a guy?
When you know that she loves you
You really must try
Only a fool would keep on asking “Why?”

BM: Bert,
You know it never is too late
To go and find your long-lost sweetie-pie
And Bert
If you’d just ask her for a date
I know you’d both be happy
As time goes by

Bert: Yes, Betty’s Mom
That would be great
I could try
Yes, Betty’s Mom
I can hardly wait
As time goes by

Bert: Which leads me to:
Why?
Tell me why did I?
Think that I shouldn’t give it a try?

I’ll be back with my Betty
For one last goodbye

Yes, Bert?
Did what, Bert?
Cause you’re a dud of a guy!
I hope so!
Goodbye

Both: To that foolish guy who
Keeps on asking “Why?”
To that foolish guy who
Keeps on asking “Why?”
Why, why, why, why, why?

Bert: Thanks Betty’s Mom.
BM: Just send my baby back home to me.
Bert: I will Betty’s Mom.
BM: Remember Bert, she loves you.
Bert: She loves me?
BM: And you know that can’t be bad.

Betty’s Mom exits.

Bert: Wow. She’s so… retro.

Bert exits.

Scene 8
The Big Bang Club

The Big Bang Club is notorious. Creatures come here for escapism, trouble or just to O.D. on donuts. An advertisement with a picture of donuts, says: “Chicxulubbers love them!” The band is playing a light jazz tune. Some creatures are dancing. Spinner takes the vintage microphone and sings. Part of the accompaniment involves musicians conducting/bonking other creatures and getting them to emit strange sounds.

Do the Continental Drift
Spinner

Do the continental if you catch my drift
Shift your tectonic plate
Rearrange the planet, give those mountains a lift
Soon the world will feel just great!

If there is erosion on your favourite coast
From the ravages of time
Miracles can happen, and we don’t like to boast
But we can make it look just fine!

Do the continental if you catch my drift
I can see a change of luck
All your sagging spirits will be getting a lift
With a little nip and tuck
All the same-old-same-old can become such a bore
Surely you crave escape?
Try our glacier treatment and you’ll come back for more
After just a little scrape

Think how you’ll be feeling
Why not let the fun begin?
Heavenly bodies will be reeling
When you take your new planet out for a spin!

Do the continental if you catch my drift
We call it nature’s gift
So scrape away the valleys, give those mountains a lift
And do the continental
(It’s all so incidental!)
Yes do the continental
(You’ll find it monumental!)
When you do the continental drift!

Spin: Thank you very much. And right now ladies and gentlemen, the one you’ve all been waiting for! That lithe lizard with the smoldering voice that’s driven many a rex to ruin. That’s right folks, tonight, right here on our stage, live at the Big Bang Club, she’s back, just for you, to sing her megaton smash disco hit: Chow Down! So, put your limbs together! Give it up! For….the one…the only… Bamboloni!!!

Betty enters, quite transformed. She is heavier, has a bleach-blond wig, and is decked out in a costume resembling a honey-dip with sprinkles. Later, during her song, Bert enters. He looks for Betty, but doesn’t recognize her.

Chow Down
Betty

Listen mister if you want some fun
When the day is done
Let me tell you, honey, I’m the one
To make the boredom run!

All this skinny stuff can be so tragic
Where’s the meat on the bone?
If you want to feel a little magic
Then make me all your own!

Chorus: Chow Down!
Everything is chewy
Chow Down!
Want to sink my teeth in you-ie
Chow Down!
Come-a be my love-bite tonight

Listen mister if you want to burn
I can light your fire
Honey, you are just about to learn
I can take you higher

If you hunger, if you feel that craving
That tummy rumble sound
There’s no need for you to go stark raving
I got more pound for pound
Oo baby!

[Chorus]

Bridge:
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Oo! Oh! Ah…
Come-a see me tonight!
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Oo! Oh! Ah…
Come-a be my love-bite!

[Chorus: twice]

Coda:
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight!

Towards the end of the song, Betty is working the room, flirting with the customers, repeating the last lines of the song. The background singers wail on.

Looking for something sweet and round, fella?
Want a tip?
Get yourself a honey dip!

So, Rexie, life a bit of a bore?
Let me tell you less is never more!
Go for it, big fella!

Bert, meanwhile, continues to look for Betty in the club, still unaware that Bamboloni and Betty are one and the same. Then they come face to face.

Betty: Bert! What are you doing here?
Bert: Betty? Is that you?

Betty is flustered as Bert tries to talk to her while she sings.

Bert: Betty, I’ve come to take you home!
Betty: Go away! Come-a come-a come-a come-a– Not you! Just go away!
Bert: But Betty, your mom misses you! I miss you!
Betty: Go away! For your own good! Come-a come-a come-a come-a Be my love-bite tonight! Not you! Go away!

Bert makes a commotion, and the Tarsands Boys surround him. They are brandishing teeth, claws and spiky tail. Betty intervenes while trying to sing her song and tells them to escort Bert outside.

Betty: Don’t be too rough boys (and girl). Just show this deluded creature the door.

The Tarsands Boys pick Bert up and are about to throw him out the door, when time stands still and the music is held on a sustained note for a couple of seconds:

Bert: Betty, I love you!

Betty hesitates, but then the music resumes, the Tarsands Boys toss Bert out the door and Betty finishes the last line of her song.

Betty: Come-a be my love-bite tonight!

Scene 9
Egging On (Bert’s place)

Back at home, Bert is licking his wounds for the failed attempt to get Betty from a life of bad eggs, junk food and rock ‘n roll.

I Wouldn’t Take Her Back!
Bert

Now I have had it up to here with love
It’s such a losing game
And I won’t shed another tear for love
And have myself to blame

Those sweet things she would say
Then knock me flat!
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact
I wouldn’t take her back!

That creature put me through the mill of love
And left me high and dry
With one cool kiss she put the chill in love
And now I wonder why

I gave my heart away
Got nothing back
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact
I wouldn’t take her back!

We made our promises
Two would be one
So much for promises
When all was said, it was done

I thought I knew
Her love was true
And always would be mine
The joke’s on me
I couldn’t see
That we were out of time–
How could I be so blind?

Now I have had it up to here with love
It’s such a losing game
And I won’t shed another tear for love
And always have myself to blame

Those sweet things she would say
Then knock me flat!
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact…

At a big pause in the song, Betty enters quickly. Just as quickly, Bert changes his mind.

Betty: Bert, I love you!
Bert: [sings:] I just might take her back!
Bert: Betty, you came back. (spoken over back-vocal 1-6-4-5 crooning)
Betty: I quit my job at that awful club. When you told me you loved me, I knew just where I wanted to be.
Bert: Betty, I’m so glad, you’re here. Oh, let’s get hitched!
Betty: Yes Bert. And maybe something will get hatched too…

Betty and Bert
Betty and Bert

Betty: Oh my Bertie
I want to have eggs with you
Bert: Oh my Betty
I want to fertilize them too
Both: All our tomorrows in one happy nest
All our tomorrows so blessed

Bert: Oh my Betty
You are the queen of my heart
Betty: Oh my Bertie
Soon a family we’ll start
Both: All our tomorrows with each rising sun
Till our tomorrows are done

Bert: Oh my Betty
Betty: Oh my Bert
Bert: Love can feel good
Betty: Love can hurt
Both: Love can change two alone into one

Both: They say that we should stick to our own genus
They say a love like ours could never last
But we know just how strong love is between us
And their ideas are fossils from the past

Bert: Whoa-ha-ha-oh-oh
Betty: My Bertie
Bert: My Betty
Both: My love

Betty: Oh my Bertie
I want to have eggs with you
Bert: Oh my Betty
I want to fertilize them too
Both: All our tomorrows with each rising sun
Till our tomorrows are done

Bert: Oh my Betty
Betty: Oh my Bert
Bert: Love can feel good
Betty: Love can hurt
Both: Love can change two alone into one
Love can change two alone into one.

[The following section is in pantomime with some ‘time passing’ quiz show kind of music.]

Time passes… A stage hand rolls an hourglass, in a round frame, across the stage as though the hourglass is doing cartwheels. Bert is reading the paper, smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds up her knitting for Bert to admire. Bert begins to putter around with the parts for a baby carriage. A feathery milkman delivers fresh milk, picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Time passes… Again the stage hand moves the hourglass across the stage. Bert is still reading the paper and smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds it up and it is getting long. More quickly: A winged and feathery milkman delivers fresh milk, picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Time passes… Again… Bert is still reading the paper and smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds it up and it is getting really long. Again, Betty reminds Bert about working on the baby carriage. The wheels of the carriage are large honey-dip donuts. He resumes his work but suddenly Betty has a contraction. Bert runs offstage and returns with a midwife. Betty and the midwife exit behind a screen at the back of the stage. More quickly: A winged and feathery milkman delivers fresh milk and picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Bert is pacing. He pulls a small hockey stick lovingly from out of the carriage. He paces some more. He holds up a miniature Maple Leaf jersey.

Bert: Yeah, it does seem like 65 million years since they won the cup.

Finally, the midwife and Betty reappear. Betty is holding a bundle. She hands the bundle to Bert. It’s an egg and he looks at it quizzically. She motions for him to put the egg in the nest. She points to his derriere and then the nest to indicate that he is to keep it warm. Then Betty and the midwife leave, obviously ready to celebrate. Bert sits atop the egg with his pipe and paper.

Time passes… Bert is sitting on the egg, smoking his pipe and reading the paper. Betty continues to knit the same thing, making it longer and longer. Then Bert feels something move in the egg beneath him.

Bert: Betty! Betty!
Betty: What is it Bert?
Bert: Our egg! I think it’s going to hatch!
Betty: Oh, this is exciting!

The egg hatches, and a little winged dinosaur comes out. Bert is a little taken aback by the birdlike features of the archaeopteryx. The intro music to the song begins.

Betty: Oh Bert isn’t he cute?
Bert: Well, he’s different.
Betty: Oh Bert he’s adorable!
Bert: Are you sure we hatched the right egg?
Betty: Oh Bert, don’t be silly. Of course, it’s our egg!
Bert: It’s just that I was expecting him to look a little different… more like you or me.

Evolution Gets It Right
Betty and Bert

Betty: He’s got your eyes, dear
Bert: But where’d he get those wings?
Betty: Aren’t you glad he flies, dear?
Bert: But that’s not everything:
He’s got a pointy beak and lots of tiny teeth
Betty: Forget about appearances, there’s so much underneath

Betty: He’s got your brains, dear
Bert: You mean I’ve got the brains of a bird? (Betty smiles and nods.)
Betty: But it remains clear
Bert: That this whole thing is absurd
How can he swing a bat or pick up things to eat?
Betty: But just think how he’ll fly around and do stuff with his feet
Bert: Ahh…

Both: Evolution gets it right
It just takes a little time
Natural selection will see the light
And everything will turn out fine
Bert: But are you sure he’s mine?

Betty: He’s got your eyes, dear!
Bert: You said that one before
Betty: He’s such a healthy size, dear!
Bert: But there must be something more!
When other babies gurgle, ours makes a chirping sound
Betty: But feel how soft and warm he is, instead of scales there’s down

Both: Evolution gets it right
It just takes a little time
Natural selection will see the light
And everything will turn out fine
Bert: I hope you’re right!
Both: And everything will turn out fine
Bert: If he sleeps through the night!
Both: Yes everything will turn out fine.

Betty: Oh look. He smiled at you.
Bert: Are you sure that wasn’t just gas?
Baby: [belch!]
Betty: Let’s take him for a stroll.
Bert: Oh, alright.
Betty: See the lovely carriage your daddy made for you
Baby: Chirp, chirp, chomp…
Bert: Hey, don’t eat those wheels, you little brat!
Baby: Yum. Chirp, chirp, yum…
Betty: He’s so cute!
Bert: Harrumph…

They exit with Archie, the baby bird, trying to nibble the honey-dip donut wheels of the carriage and Bert trying to prevent him.

Leave a comment

Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 5 & 6

Scene 5
A Rocky Patch – continued (Bert’s place)

Bert is standing beside his lever. Occasionally he looks upwards and shakes his head. He covers his eyes. He knows he’s going to be in for it. Betty can hardly keep from laughing. Bron is staring at the other end of the lever, sometimes looking under it, very confused. Spinner taps Bron on the shoulder and points upwards. From offstage, PT shouts.

PT: Help!
Spin: Don’t worry, boss. We’ll get you down.
Bron: Where are you, Boss?

Bron still can’t see PT, so Spinner leans Bron back on his tail and points him up. The curtain now reveals PT’s legs swinging.

Bron: Oh yeah. Ha. There he is. Way up there.
PT: Help! Get me down!
Bron: He really did fly.
Spin: Hang in there, PT. We’ll figure something out.

Spinner looks at Bert, who shrugs.

Bron: Wow. All three of his horns got stuck! Ha-ha.
Spin: I’d better go for help.

Spinner exits in a hurry.

PT: Get me down from here, you bozos!
Bron: Spinner’s gone for help. We’ll get you down soon, Boss.
PT: I want down now!
Bron: OK. I’ll see what I can do.

Bron moves back and takes a very slow run at the tree trunk. He crashes against the trunk and pushes with his shoulder, but all he does is make it shake.

PT: Woah-h-h-h-h! Stop! Bron! Stop!
Bron: Maybe I should take a better run at it?
PT: No! No! Stop! Wait for Spinner.

Spinner arrives with Rip and Ugh, who are equipped with dino-saws.

Ugh: Don’t worry boss. We’ll get you down!
Rip: How are we going to do this?
Spin: We got to get that tree out of the way.
Ugh: Yeah. If we cut down the tree, he’ll have to come down.
PT: Get me down!
Rip: Good thinking! Better cut it down.
Ugh: Here goes.

Ugh pulls the starter cord on his dino-saw and goes to the base of the tree. Soon, the air is filled with the chomping of the little wood-chewing lizard. PT tries to stop him, but the noise drowns him out.

PT: What are you trying to do?
Ugh: What did you say?
PT: Stop! Stop! Don’t cut this thing down!
Ugh: What?
PT: I said, “Don’t cu— Whoa! Whoa! Ahh!

There is a loud crash and a scream, as Ugh fells the tree, followed by silence.

Rip: Well, Ugh got him down.
Bron: Yeah! Pretty fast.
Spin: But the boss don’t look happy.

PT enters limping and bruised, with his horns stuck in a broken-off tree branch.

PT: Arghhh! You fool! Your stupid invention nearly killed me!
Bert: I was trying to tell-
PT: You’re fired! Grrrr! Let’s get out of here!

Poppa Tops and the Tarsands Boys exit. Betty bursts into laughter.

Betty: You are clever.
Bert: I tried to tell him.
Betty: He did look funny up there swinging his legs.
Bert: Betty, I don’t want you hanging around Poppa Tops and his gang. They’re a rough bunch.
Betty: And who are you to tell me what to do?
Bert: It’s for your own good. Those guys are trouble.
Betty: If Poppa Tops is so bad, why were you working for him? Mind your own business.
Bert: I – I – uh–

[music starts]

Bert: I thought you were my girl!
Betty: Well, you better think again!
Bert: Can’t you give me another chance? I just need a little more time. I promise I won’t screw up again.
Betty: Huh!

Better Think Again
Betty & Bert

Betty: If you think I want to be with you
Every now and then
While you go out on a date or two
Better think again

Bert: Oh my darling, I’ve been true
Things are not the way they seem
Oh my darling, it’s just you
You are the dino of my dreams

Betty: Tell me what you’ve ever done for me
Every now and then.
If you think you are the one for me
Better think again

Bert: Oh my darling, won’t you stay?
And I say this as a friend
There is so much danger there
I’m asking you to think again!

Both: Tell me now; oh, tell me how
I can make you see
Oh, tell me now; won’t you tell me how
It means so much to me?
It means so much to me.

Betty: If you think I want to be with you
Every now and then
While you go out on a date or two
Better think again!
I am not your darling
Not one more time
I said I’m not your darling
And you’re not mine
Why don’t you get it?

Bert: [in counterpoint]
Oh my darling
I think you better think again
Oh my darling
You better think again!
Oh my darling, I been true
I just need a little time
Oh my darling, some day soon
I am going to make you mine

Both: Tell me why you never see the light
Every now and then
If you think it’s going to be alright
I’m telling you; I’m telling you; I’m telling you
Better think again!!

Betty: I’m leaving!
Bert: Where are you going?
Betty: That way!
Bert: I was going to go that way.
Betty: Then I’m going this way!
Bert: Well if you’re going be like that then, just go!
Betty: The same to you!
Bert: I am going!
Betty: Me too!
Bert: So, what’s keeping you?
Betty: Yeah? What’s keeping you?

After a short hesitation, both groan out of frustration and exit in opposite directions.

Scene 6
Clear Cutting – The edge of the woods)

A group of herbivores are contentedly munching on foliage in the woods. They chant in rhythm with just a drum set accompaniment.

Yum, Crunch [no demo yet]
Denizens

Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! These do taste good!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Like good leaves should!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! All that we please!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Long live the trees!

Poppa Tops arrives with the Tarsands boys and the Premier. The TBs are equipped with dino-saws. PT gesticulates, giving instructions to clear the area. He indicates that the Premier is to smooth things over. He then exits. The herbivores repeat their rhythmic speech and the Tarsands boys chant overtop.

Tarsands: C’mon boys, let’s make some noise
We’re gonna… saw wood
C’mon boys, these ain’t no toys
Let’s cut ‘em… down for good!

C’mon boys, let’s do some stuff
There’s gonna be… no trees
C’mon boys, show you’re tough
Let’s build them factories

Denizens [in counterpoint]: Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! These do taste good!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Like good leaves should!

Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! All that we please!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Long live the trees!

Tarsands: Ok, boys (and girl), it’s damage time!! Start your dino-saws!

The Tarsands Boys start their dino-saws and the woods are filled with the growling and chomping of little wood-chewing lizards. They start cutting down trees to make way for the new donut factory. The terrified herbivores panic and seek the help of the Premier. The TBs saw their way off stage.

Dinos: Mr. Premier, help us! Something terrible is happening. Our forest! They’re destroying it. Etc.
Hoodwink: Good herbivores, listen to me. There is no need to panic.
Dino_3: But the forest!
Dino_2: All the trees!
Dino_4: Premier Hoodwink, you’ve got to stop them!
Dino_1: Yeah! They’ve got no right to do that to our trees!
Hoodwink: Now, now, good denizens of Yucatan, listen to me. It may be loud and scary. And, at first glance, it looks like you are losing a favourite place to graze.
Dino_3: We are! They’re destroying our forest!
Dinos: Yeah!
Hoodwink: Ah, but what looks to you like destruction, to a true visionary?such as myself?looks like progress!
Dino_4: What’s that?
Hoodwink: Your problem is that you can’t see the big picture.
Dino_2: We can and it looks bad!
Hoodwink: No, no. It’s the little picture that looks bad. Why, the big picture looks fantastic!
Dino_1: I don’t get it.
Hoodwink: No, that’s because you can’t see the forest for the trees [Music begins]
Dino_3: But there are no trees!
Hoodwink: You miss the point. Listen carefully!

Can’t See the Forest for the Trees [no vocal recorded yet]
Premier Hoodwink

Now you may see a lake
That’s half empty to you
But what you see is what you take
For it is half full too!
Now you may see some land
And think the trees are gone
But what you fail to understand
Is nothing… has gone wrong.

You can’t judge a Rex by the cover
Cause beauty is deeper than skin
You can’t tell a good egg from another
When thick shells are keeping it in. [taps their heads]
You can’t tell a rock from a hard place
When you’re just shooting the breeze
So don’t bite your snout off just to spite your face
When you can’t see the forest for the trees

Dinos: What trees? I don’t see any trees. etc. [interjections]

Know what makes the heart grow fonder?
It’s absence, don’t you know?
So if you have no trees to ponder
Just think how your love will grow!

Dinos: Never thought of it that way. What’s he talking about? Gosh. etc.

You fall in a hole? Better climb out!
Don’t dig deeper instead!
Or your little brain will need some time out
Just as sure as the lump on your head [taps heads]
Now trust me, I know just what you got
Is short-sighted social disease
So maybe you are not the sharpest claw on the paw
When you can’t see the forest for the trees, my friend
When you can’t see the forest for the trees

Dinos: I still don’t see any trees. I don’t get it. etc.

Hoodwink: Now you understand!
Dinos: No. Not really. Uh-uh. Etc.
Hoodwink: Then, let me explain it this way, my good denizens of Yucatan. In the short term, you’ll lose a few worthless trees. In the long term, what you’ll be gaining is this!! [He holds up a cardboard donut box.]
Dinos: “What’s that?” “Ah look.” “I wonder what’s in there!” “Is that what I think it is?” Etc.
Hoodwink: This, my friends, is a box of the most glorious, chewy, sweet and mouth-watering creations on the face of this fair planet!
Dinos: [They gasp and salivate and smack their lips.] Do you think maybe it’s…
Hoodwink: When these few insignificant shrubs are cleared away, Poppa Tops, that leading citizen, will build a state-of-the-art factory to manufacture millions and millions of DONUTS!
Dinos: “Oh, it is.” “Yummy.” Etc.
Hoodwink: Here. Have some! You lucky creatures will never have to eat boring old leaves again!
Dinos: “Hurrah!” “Oh happy day!” “No more yucky leaves.” Etc.
Hoodwink: And I have more good news. Everyone in the Premier Hoodwink re-election team is invited to party headquarters for?you guessed it?more free donuts!!
Dinos: [More gasping and salivating and lip-smacking.]
Hoodwink: So who’s for joining Team Hoodwink?
Dinos: “I am!” “Count me in!” “Oh yes!” Etc.
Hoodwink: Ha-ha. Then let’s go!

All exit. One dinosaur, Betty’s Mom, hesitates. She looks a little apprehensive. Then her appetite gets the better of her and she smacks her lips and runs after the crowd to join them.

BM: I’m not so sure about this. But… they are very yummy…
Wait for me. I’m coming too!

Leave a comment