Category Archives: Musical Theatre

Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 10, 11 & 12

Scene 10 Board Meeting
Chow Down Head Office

Poppa Tops, President & CEO, and all the VP’s, including Premier Hoodwink, are sitting around the stone slab table. PT convenes the meeting.

PT: Alright. Spinner, let’s get this meeting underway.
Spin: Welcome to the second Annual General Meeting of Chow Down Corporation for the year 64 million, 998 thousand, and one BC. The minutes from the last meeting of the year 64 million, 998 thousand, and two BC were distributed to all directors. Are there any corrections or?
PT: Cut the nonsense! I got other things to do. [He has Madge from the Stonettes hanging on his arm.] I just want to know how Chow Down corporation is doing. Let’s have the reports. Adder, let’s start with you.

Adder puts a chart on an easel. The heading is ‘Market Research’. The graph shows a steadily climbing line.

Adder: We’ve got great news, PT. We conducted our market research survey – in record time, I might add – and found that Chow Down’s market share has been climbing steadily to the point where 95% of the population are Chow Down customers.
PT: Brilliant! Excellent report Adder! Great work, Team!
Adder: Thanks, PT.
PT: Remind me later to offer you a promotion. And now, let’s here from the sales department. Give us your report, Scalar.

Scalar goes to the easel and takes the same chart but turns it end-to-end and upside down so that the graph now shows a steady decline. The old heading is upside down on the bottom and the new heading is ‘Sales’.

Scalar: Our report takes a somewhat cautionary note. It appears that there’s been a correction in the market. Our projections at this point indicate that sales are down.
PT: Down? How far down?
Scalar: Oh… about 95%.
PT: What??? What’s this all about? How can you have 95% market share and a 95% decline in sales???
Scalar: It’s because there isn’t any market. The population is rapidly declining.
PT: What’s going on, here?
Adder: He’s right, PT. We were able to conduct our last market research survey in record time because there were almost no dinosaurs to interview. But, let me say again, our key message is that 95% of those interviewed are loyal Chow Down customers.
PT: Oh, shut up! What’s happening to all our customers? Where are they going? Is there a competitor (pugnaciously and the TSBs get excited)?
Scalar: No, there’s just our company in the market.
PT: Whew. But what’s happening to the population? Don’t those dumb lizards lay eggs anymore?
Scalar: Yes, but they need to eat more than donuts. The problem is that there are no forests for them to graze in.
PT: Why is that?
Spin: Remember, PT, you got us to clear all the forests?
PT: Right. But we needed that land to produce the donuts. But what about the carnivores? They don’t need to graze in the forests!
Scalar: But they eat the herbivores and, without the forest, they’re running out of food too.
PT: Oh, right… So let’s plant some trees. Make a new forest!
Spinner: Brilliant! That would be great PR, PT.
Adder: I can see the campaign, now! Chow Down plants trees, helping to feed hungry herbivores. The carnivores would love it too. We could launch it with?
Scalar: Wait a minute! We need that land for the factories. That’s why we took it in the first place.
Adder: What? Oh yeah.
[pause]
PT: Let me get this straight. If we give back the land, we can’t make as many donuts and we lose customers. Right?
Scalar: That’s right, PT.
PT: On the other hand, if we keep the land, we can make lots of donuts, but there won’t be any dinosaurs to eat them and we lose customers. Right?
Scalar: Right again, PT.
PT: So whatever we do, we lose customers. Right?
Spinner: Brilliantly put!
Adder: You’ve nailed it, PT!
PT: Humph!…
Hmmm… Then the choice is clear. We give our esteemed directors a generous severance package, liquidate the company, and declare bankruptcy.

All start protesting and talking at once.

Spinner: Oh no. We can’t do that! Think of how it will look. How would we ever position that one?
Adder: What? No, no, not that! Our ad campaign, what would happen to it? That would be terrible!
Scalar: Bankruptcy! We can’t do that! Think of the bottom line! It would be a disaster! Financial ruin!
PT: Boys! Boys! You’re missing the point. A little bankruptcy can be a beautiful thing. Maestro, a “B7” please…

Owed to Bankruptcy
Poppa Tops

PT: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

The buck? We’re going to pass it
And kick them in the asset
They’ll all be seeing stars
Because of Bankruptcy

All: They’ll all be seeing stars
Because of Bankruptcy

PT: So what if all our creditors
Will have to take a dive?
In business, as in Darwin,
It’s the fittest that survive

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

Spin: And all this corporate clean-up?
Rip: We talked but didn’t mean it
Ugh: Yet no one’s behind bars
Steg: All thanks to Bankruptcy

All: Yet no one’s behind bars
All thanks to Bankruptcy

PT: Now ‘lizard eat lizard’ is the winning attitude
So keep the big guys happy, let the little guys get chewed!

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

Premier: This planet is a mess-up
You think we need to fess up?
We’ll leave the mess behind
And declare Bankruptcy

All: We’ll leave the mess behind
And declare Bankruptcy

PT: [spoken] One more time, boys!

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy!

All laugh conspiratorially as though sharing an ‘in’ joke.

PT: Well boys… corporation dissolved and meeting adjourned!

All exit in good spirits.

Scene 11
Sky’s the Limit – Outside

Final Finale Part 1

A driving, insistent, rock beat begins. The volcano is heating up and the sky is darkened by storm clouds. There is much chaos and violence. Throughout the scene, characters enter and exit the stage in panic and distress. Sometimes they fight over a box of donuts; some are pursued; others are in pursuit. Enter Premier & entourage with a sign: “RE-ERECT PREMIER HOODWINK”

Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan! Judgment Day has arrived. Today you cast your vote and choose the leader who will take you bravely into a future of prosperity.
Assistant: They don’t seem to be paying attention, Your Worship.
Hoodwink: As your Premier, I will continue to take real action against violence [someone screams as they get assaulted]; I will end political corruption [someone slips him some money which he pockets]; and I promise you a secure future for you and your families [volcano spurts].
Denizens of Yucatan will continue to have lots to eat and herbivores may safely graze?
Assistant: Excuse me. That’s the old speech sir.
Hoodwink: What? Oh right. Denizens of Yucatan, you have enjoyed an unequaled standard of living thanks to the magnanimity of Chow Down Corp. Now we are boldly entering an era of exciting new opportunities. And who is better suited to lead you into this golden age?… I ask you who is better suited to lead you into a glorious future?… I ask you? They’re not responding. What’s wrong with these stupid lizards?
Assistant: There’s no food and no jobs, sir. Riots are breaking out everywhere.
Hoodwink: Denizens, remember the good thing about things being bad is that things can only get better! It can’t get any worse, so look forward to a brighter future.
Dinos: “Down with Chow Down!” “Boo!” “Down with Premier Hoodwink!”

A Whole Lot Worse! an up-tempo downer
Premier, various solos and chorus

TBA_1: Our grazing lands are factories
The food they made was junk!
But then those plants went belly up
And now we smell a skunk!

TBA_2: And all we do is fight it out
Or stand around and curse
And if you think that this is bad
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can, can, can

Betty: The streets are filled with violence
The dam’s about to burst!
The volcano’s going to blow its top
How can it get much worse?

Hoodwink: Forget this talk of doom and gloom
And listen to me first
I tell you now there is no way
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Cause it just can’t!
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no, it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no, it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Oh yes it can, can, can

Bert: And bugs are spreading pestilence
They swarm and make us curse
And many will grow sick and die
But here’s the very worst:

All stop and listen.

The sky will fall and end it all
And that’s the final verse
That asteroid tops all the rest
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can
Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can
Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can, can, can
Great Balls of Fire!
Others: Oh no!

The denizens exit, leaving Bert and Bettie alone. Bert, in mime, says goodbye to Betty. She exits. Poppa Tops, Premier Hoodwink and Spinner enter. Bert avoids them and goes behind a rock for a nap.

Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan, today is Election Day and we all must do our civic duty.
Dinos: [More unruly shouting. Some denizens exit.]
Hoodwink: Good denizens! Remember, a vote for Hoodwink is a vote for a kinder, gentler place, a community where all may live in peace and harmony?
PT: Save it Hoodwink.
Premier: What?
PT: Save your breath. You’re already elected. My boys just gave you a landslide victory. Congratulations. Besides, none of these lizards are listening to all that garbage.
Hoodwink: Oh. Uh… Denizens of Yucatan, I thank you for this overwhelming victory. I pledge to lead?
PT: Enough, already. We need you to make an announcement, to issue a proclamation.
Hoodwink: Uh, sure PT. What would you like me to proclaim?
PT: Too many of these stupid lizards are clearing out of Yucatan. I want it to stop. From this point on, no one is allowed to leave Yucatan.
Hoodwink: OK, PT. But why do want them to stay?
PT: We need all the bodies we can get?especially the feathered ones. We need customers for my next business.
Hoodwink: What business is that?
PT: Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx!

Bert sits up suddenly.

PT: You know all those new feathered, flying dinosaurs? Turns out they taste pretty damn good barbecued.
Hoodwink: You don’t say?
PT: Especially when they’re basted with Poppa Tops own secret recipe! You thought donuts were big? Wait till Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx hits the market. POW!
Hoodwink: But how are these creatures going to pay? Will there be enough jobs for everyone?
PT: Hell no. We learned our lesson with donuts. Nonetheless, Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx will be a guaranteed success…thanks to Government subsidies. Look around. Don’t you think the economy needs some stimulus?
Hoodwink: Yeah, I suppose it does.
PT: Well, that’s where you come in! First, issue the proclamation that no denizen is allowed to leave Yucatan or #@$%! [slitting throat gesture]. Go ahead. Do it.
Hoodwink: OK. Here goes: Denizens of Yucatan! Here Ye! Here Ye! I hereby proclaim that no creature is allowed to leave the land of Yucatan. Anyone found trying to cross the border will be executed! [denizens groan] But do not despair! That leading citizen, Poppa Tops, will soon be announcing a new business. Prosperity will return to Yucatan once more. But remember, you try to leave and you’re dead meat!

The remaining denizens exit confused and grumbling.

PT: Good enough. Now let’s go draw up some legislation for a really big stimulus package!
Premier: What’s a stimulus package?
Premier: I’ll tell you all about it over dinner. And, dinner’s on me tonight. I bet you can guess what we’re having? Ha-ha-ha. Yucatan-Fried Archaeopteryx! Made with Poppa Tops own secret recipe!
TSB’s: Yum!

PT, Premier, assistant & TSB’s exit. Bert come out from behind the rock.

Final Finale Part 2

Instrumental music resumes. Again, various creatures enter and exit in panic and distress, sometimes fighting over a box of donuts. Rip and Bron enter and grab an innocent archaeopteryx and drag her away. Ugh and Steggy enter and grab another and exit. Bert observes this in terror.

Bert: I’ve got to get the kids out of here! Where are they?

Betty and the kids enter.

Betty: Bert!
Bert: Betty! Archie, Trixie, Obie! I’m so glad you’re all OK.
Betty: What’s happening Bert?
Bert: It’s chaos. Mobs are ruling the streets. And now Poppa Tops has started a new business. [Bert whispers to Betty]
Betty: Yucatan-Fried what? Oh no! What are we going to do?
Bert: Kids, you’re go… uh…we’re going to leave Yucatan right away.
Betty: Yes. You leave first and we’ll catch up later.
Archie: We don’t want to go without you!
Trixie: No.
Obie: We’ll wait for you.
Betty: No, no, you must leave now. With your wings, you can reach a better place more quickly.
Bert: Fly westward across the mountains and don’t stop until you find a new valley. We’ll follow.
Betty: And don’t look back.
Trixie: I don’t want to go!
Betty: You all must be brave and find a new life – with or without us.
Bert: There’s too much danger here in Yucatan.
Obie: But why?
Betty: It has to be!
Bert: Remember what we’ve always told you? How some things are written in the stars?
Trixie: I remember.
Betty: Think of that now. Remember that song we sang?
Trixie: I do.

The relentless music does relent and the kids sing a more anthem-like song about their destinies. Bert and Betty and the other creatures, during a few moments of calm, join in as a choir. Trixie sings verse 1; Obie sings verse 2 with the other two singing harmony. The company enters on the bridge.

Written in the Stars
Trixie, Obie, Archie and Company

There are those things written in the stars
There are actors on the stage
And all will play their parts
There’s a tale, the telling must be told
Though we linger on the page
Where young become the old
And we all must find our light
And know our lines by heart
As we play what’s written in the stars

There is music playing in the spheres
When the night is soft and still
We find it in our ears
And we know which part to harmonize
And we add a turn or trill
And freely improvise
But the lines may take us from
The song we long to hear
As we play the music in the spheres

Can the record of this life
Be all but the smallest grain of sand?
Can the moments of such strife
Be buried in barren land?
There must be more!
So little we understand

How can all our hopes and dreams,
The promise of life we feel in birth,
Be no more than hopeless schemes
Erased from the face of earth?

So with love, only love
All we be, all we are
We will write what’s written in our star
We will write what’s written in our star

When I hear that music from afar
Then I know that love is all
We write… upon a star.

An eruption from the volcano shocks everyone into action and the driving music returns. Other creatures become panicky once again and exit leaving Bert, Betty and their kids on stage alone.

Betty: Go now, kids
Bert: There’s no time to lose.
Archie: I guess we better go.
Trixie: Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad.
Obie: Goodbye.
Betty: Go now, kids
Bert: Don’t forget. Over the mountains and don’t stop until you find the new green valley.
Archie: Goodbye.

They watch the kids fly off.

Betty: They are strong flyers, Bert.
Bert: I still don’t know how they got those wings. [flapping his arms, hopping up and down. Shakes his head in confusion.] I can’t do that.
Betty: We’d better go too.
Bert: Betty, I don’t think we’ll have time to get out of this valley.
Betty: Let them try and stop us! That stupid proclamation won’t stop us!
Bert: There’s another problem. Look up there.
Betty: What is that?
Bert: I don’t know exactly, but it is getting larger by the minute. I’ve been watching it for quite a while and I’m afraid it’s coming this way.
Betty: Oh.

Rip enters quickly, followed by Bron. Rip has a coiled up vine intended for tying up the kids.

Rip: All right you two, where are those kids of yours?
Betty: They’re on their way home. Why?
Rip: Well the Premier and Poppa Tops wants your entire family to come right now…uh…for dinner. [Rip realizes the vine/rope is a giveaway so he tosses it behind him.]
Bron: Oh…oh…look, Rip, pretty flying things.
Rip: What? Why those are your kids! Don’t you know that no creatures are allowed to leave Yucatan! Get them to turn around and come back.
Bert: I’ve been trying to, but – you know kids – they never listen. Maybe you could call them?
Rip: Smart guy! I’m not going to call them. I’m going to bring them down.

Rip prepares to take off. Betty delays him while Bert ties the vine around Rip’s foot. He lifts up one of Bron’s front feet and puts it on top of the other end.

Betty: Wait a minute, Rip. They’re not leaving Yucatan. They’re just sight-seeing.
Rip: Get out of my way!
Betty: Look. I think they’re starting to turn back.
Rip: Ha! You can’t fool me! I said get out of my way! Here I go!

Rip makes his sputtering noises as he revs up. He runs off stage left as though tearing down a runway. The coil of rope is pulled off stage, gets taut, and there is a slide whistle descent, a scream and a crashing noise.

Bert: Bron, I think your pal Rip just went over the cliff. You better go see how he is.
Bron: Oh, yeah, you’re right. [lumbering to stage left] Hey Rip! You OK?
Rip: [from off stage, far away] No! I’m not OK! Get me up from here!
Bron: What was that?
Rip: I said I’m not OK– Bron! Don’t lean over the edge!
Bron: What did you say?
Rip: I said don’t lean over the edge!
Bron: Lean over the what? Whoa!
Rip: Bron! Stop! Stop!
Bron: Whoops! This slope sure is slippery! Rip, I’m coming down.
Rip: Aaah! Stop! Stop!
Bron: Whoooooaaaaaa!

There is another descending sound and an even louder crash followed by a crunch.

Bert: Ooo…right on top of him. What a mess!
Betty: Bert, we better get out of here!
Bert: Look at the kids. They are almost over the mountains. Can you see them?
Betty: Yes. But it’s getting harder…
Bert: I can just make them out. They are almost past the peaks…
Betty: Ah! They made it!
Bert: Oh yes! They’re gone…just in time…

Final Finale Part 3

The relentless music resumes. Enter Poppa Tops, Spinner, Ugh and Steg. The end of this track is the transition to Scene 12, when the characters return to  fossils in the Museum.

PT: What’s going on? Where are Rip and Bron? They were supposed to bring your… uh, you and your lovely children – to dinner.
Bert: Maybe they got lost?
Betty: Yeah. They probably took a wrong turn.
PT: Hmm. It’s not like them to do that.
Spinner: Hey Boss. Look at this! [Following the tracks] Look down there!
PT: Yech! What a mess! Now… you two are going to pay for this! “A wrong turn!” was it? Huh!
Betty: Rip just had a bit of an accident.
Bert: And Bron tried to help.
PT: Enough of this. Grab those two!
Bert: Forget it, Tops. You’re never going to get your Yucatan-Fried Archaeopteryx idea off the ground.
PT: Who told you about that? [looks at his accomplices who try to look innocent] Well, what’s going to stop me?
Betty: That! [pointing heavenward]
PT: What is that?
Betty: It’s really, really big and it’s coming right at you!
PT: Is she right? What’s going on here, Brainosaurus?
Bert: She’s right. It’s a great ball of fire and it is heading right at you.
Ugh: Gosh!
Spin: They might be right, boss! I think it is coming this way!
Steg: Holy Tarsands! What are we going to do PT?
PT: I’m thinking. I’m thinking. Boys…and girl…uh…we better be going. Let’s get to my cave right away. We’ll take care of these two later.
Bert: Yeah! You better get to your cave right away!
PT: What’s that noise? Let’s get out of here! [Starts to exit…accomplices scream]
Bert: Betty… [Bert reaches his arm up towards her]
Betty: Bert… [Betty does likewise, assuming the pose of the fossilized pair]

Before Poppa Tops and his entourage can exit, the action freezes at the crescendo of the music. There is a flash of light, a loud chord and then it is suddenly quiet. On a sustained tone, in a frozen dreamlike moment, the dinosaurs move into their original fossil positions. Betty and Bert face each other. The lights slowly dim to the level of the opening scene, recreating the fossils in the rocks. The frenetic Final Finale music becomes quieter and more remote.

Scene 12
Epilogue – A museum

We shift to modern times. The lights get brighter and a mother and father and three children walk through an exhibit of fossils. The kids are animated and point at various exhibits. After a minute – a museum security guard enters, casually.

Guard: Closing time, folks.

The family, except for the smallest child, move across the stage towards the exit. They wait as the child lingers for a few seconds at the Betty-Bert fossil. Then she runs off to join the rest of her family. The family exits. The guard smiles to himself and gently shakes his head, and exits in the opposite direction.

Music ends. Fade to Black…

Fin

[The curtain call song is one chorus of “Evolution Gets It Right”, played quickly in the style of The Flintstones theme.]

Copyright © 2018 ~ Doug Jamieson
www.dougjam.ca
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Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 7, 8 & 9

Scene 7 – Why?
Bert’s Place

Bert is dejected. He is mucking about his ‘lab’ but is not enthusiastic about inventing anymore. He has lost Betty and his big invention is causing mass destruction. Bert sings a Platters-like song with male back-up vocals doing the “oo’s” and the “wha-wha-wha-wha’s”:

Why?  (no demo yet)
Bert and Betty’s Mom

Why?
Tell me why did I
Think that I was just the cleverest guy?
Now that Betty’s gone and left me
My heart just wants to die
Like a fool, I keep on asking “Why?”

Betty, my darling [spoken over back vocals]
You have gone away
And I may never see you again
And my big idea
Turned out to be a whole lot of junk food!
Is this the way my life will end?
Will my last days be all alone, filled with shame, down at rock bottom, without a friend, up that creek without a paddle… always wondering:

Betty’s mom enters unobserved by Bert.

Why?
Tell me why did I
Think that I should even bother to try?
Every plan had such promise
But all went awry
Like a fool, I keep on asking “Why?”

Background vocals continue.

BM: You’re right, Bert.
Bert: Betty’s Mom!
BM: You’re right, Bert. You are a fool!
Bert: What do you mean?
BM: We’re all shook up. We lost our grazing lands thanks to your bright idea!
Bert: Yes, I heard.
BM: Though I must say those donuts are very yummy. All that sugar… and honey, honey… But we can’t live on junk food alone!
Bert: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…
BM: And that’s not all. While you ‘frittered’ away your time, my dear Betty became a wild thing, a run-run-runaway! She took off with the leader of the pack to a town without pity!
Bert: Oh no.
BM: I told her, “Baby, baby, it’s a wild world that’s been the ruin of many a poor girl!”
Bert: Oh dear.
BM: But she wouldn’t listen. She said, “Mom, it’s now or never.”
Bert: Gosh.
BM: And that’s not all.
Bert: There’s more?
BM: She is working at the Big Bang Club!
Bert: Oh! That’s terrible.
BM: That place is like the eve of destruction: nothing but bad eggs, junk food and rock and roll!
Bert: Maybe she’ll come back! Maybe she’ll just walk right in?
BM: That’ll be the day! And that’s not all.
Bert: There’s more?
BM: The only reason she left was because she was tired of waiting for you-oo-oo.
Bert:For me?
BM: Only you.
Bert: See what a fool I’ve been!
BM: Were you ever! And it makes me wonder:

BM: [sings] Why?
Why do you sit and sigh?
Are you really such a dud of a guy?
When you know that she loves you
You really must try
Only a fool would keep on asking “Why?”

BM: Bert,
You know it never is too late
To go and find your long-lost sweetie-pie
And Bert
If you’d just ask her for a date
I know you’d both be happy
As time goes by

Bert: Yes, Betty’s Mom
That would be great
I could try
Yes, Betty’s Mom
I can hardly wait
As time goes by

Bert: Which leads me to:
Why?
Tell me why did I?
Think that I shouldn’t give it a try?

I’ll be back with my Betty
For one last goodbye

Yes, Bert?
Did what, Bert?
Cause you’re a dud of a guy!
I hope so!
Goodbye

Both: To that foolish guy who
Keeps on asking “Why?”
To that foolish guy who
Keeps on asking “Why?”
Why, why, why, why, why?

Bert: Thanks Betty’s Mom.
BM: Just send my baby back home to me.
Bert: I will Betty’s Mom.
BM: Remember Bert, she loves you.
Bert: She loves me?
BM: And you know that can’t be bad.

Betty’s Mom exits.

Bert: Wow. She’s so… retro.

Bert exits.

Scene 8
The Big Bang Club

The Big Bang Club is notorious. Creatures come here for escapism, trouble or just to O.D. on donuts. An advertisement with a picture of donuts, says: “Chicxulubbers love them!” The band is playing a light jazz tune. Some creatures are dancing. Spinner takes the vintage microphone and sings. Part of the accompaniment involves musicians conducting/bonking other creatures and getting them to emit strange sounds.

Do the Continental Drift
Spinner

Do the continental if you catch my drift
Shift your tectonic plate
Rearrange the planet, give those mountains a lift
Soon the world will feel just great!

If there is erosion on your favourite coast
From the ravages of time
Miracles can happen, and we don’t like to boast
But we can make it look just fine!

Do the continental if you catch my drift
I can see a change of luck
All your sagging spirits will be getting a lift
With a little nip and tuck
All the same-old-same-old can become such a bore
Surely you crave escape?
Try our glacier treatment and you’ll come back for more
After just a little scrape

Think how you’ll be feeling
Why not let the fun begin?
Heavenly bodies will be reeling
When you take your new planet out for a spin!

Do the continental if you catch my drift
We call it nature’s gift
So scrape away the valleys, give those mountains a lift
And do the continental
(It’s all so incidental!)
Yes do the continental
(You’ll find it monumental!)
When you do the continental drift!

Spin: Thank you very much. And right now ladies and gentlemen, the one you’ve all been waiting for! That lithe lizard with the smoldering voice that’s driven many a rex to ruin. That’s right folks, tonight, right here on our stage, live at the Big Bang Club, she’s back, just for you, to sing her megaton smash disco hit: Chow Down! So, put your limbs together! Give it up! For….the one…the only… Bamboloni!!!

Betty enters, quite transformed. She is heavier, has a bleach-blond wig, and is decked out in a costume resembling a honey-dip with sprinkles. Later, during her song, Bert enters. He looks for Betty, but doesn’t recognize her.

Chow Down
Betty

Listen mister if you want some fun
When the day is done
Let me tell you, honey, I’m the one
To make the boredom run!

All this skinny stuff can be so tragic
Where’s the meat on the bone?
If you want to feel a little magic
Then make me all your own!

Chorus: Chow Down!
Everything is chewy
Chow Down!
Want to sink my teeth in you-ie
Chow Down!
Come-a be my love-bite tonight

Listen mister if you want to burn
I can light your fire
Honey, you are just about to learn
I can take you higher

If you hunger, if you feel that craving
That tummy rumble sound
There’s no need for you to go stark raving
I got more pound for pound
Oo baby!

[Chorus]

Bridge:
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Oo! Oh! Ah…
Come-a see me tonight!
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Oo! Oh! Ah…
Come-a be my love-bite!

[Chorus: twice]

Coda:
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight!

Towards the end of the song, Betty is working the room, flirting with the customers, repeating the last lines of the song. The background singers wail on.

Looking for something sweet and round, fella?
Want a tip?
Get yourself a honey dip!

So, Rexie, life a bit of a bore?
Let me tell you less is never more!
Go for it, big fella!

Bert, meanwhile, continues to look for Betty in the club, still unaware that Bamboloni and Betty are one and the same. Then they come face to face.

Betty: Bert! What are you doing here?
Bert: Betty? Is that you?

Betty is flustered as Bert tries to talk to her while she sings.

Bert: Betty, I’ve come to take you home!
Betty: Go away! Come-a come-a come-a come-a– Not you! Just go away!
Bert: But Betty, your mom misses you! I miss you!
Betty: Go away! For your own good! Come-a come-a come-a come-a Be my love-bite tonight! Not you! Go away!

Bert makes a commotion, and the Tarsands Boys surround him. They are brandishing teeth, claws and spiky tail. Betty intervenes while trying to sing her song and tells them to escort Bert outside.

Betty: Don’t be too rough boys (and girl). Just show this deluded creature the door.

The Tarsands Boys pick Bert up and are about to throw him out the door, when time stands still and the music is held on a sustained note for a couple of seconds:

Bert: Betty, I love you!

Betty hesitates, but then the music resumes, the Tarsands Boys toss Bert out the door and Betty finishes the last line of her song.

Betty: Come-a be my love-bite tonight!

Scene 9
Egging On (Bert’s place)

Back at home, Bert is licking his wounds for the failed attempt to get Betty from a life of bad eggs, junk food and rock ‘n roll.

I Wouldn’t Take Her Back!
Bert

Now I have had it up to here with love
It’s such a losing game
And I won’t shed another tear for love
And have myself to blame

Those sweet things she would say
Then knock me flat!
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact
I wouldn’t take her back!

That creature put me through the mill of love
And left me high and dry
With one cool kiss she put the chill in love
And now I wonder why

I gave my heart away
Got nothing back
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact
I wouldn’t take her back!

We made our promises
Two would be one
So much for promises
When all was said, it was done

I thought I knew
Her love was true
And always would be mine
The joke’s on me
I couldn’t see
That we were out of time–
How could I be so blind?

Now I have had it up to here with love
It’s such a losing game
And I won’t shed another tear for love
And always have myself to blame

Those sweet things she would say
Then knock me flat!
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact…

At a big pause in the song, Betty enters quickly. Just as quickly, Bert changes his mind.

Betty: Bert, I love you!
Bert: [sings:] I just might take her back!
Bert: Betty, you came back. (spoken over back-vocal 1-6-4-5 crooning)
Betty: I quit my job at that awful club. When you told me you loved me, I knew just where I wanted to be.
Bert: Betty, I’m so glad, you’re here. Oh, let’s get hitched!
Betty: Yes Bert. And maybe something will get hatched too…

Betty and Bert
Betty and Bert

Betty: Oh my Bertie
I want to have eggs with you
Bert: Oh my Betty
I want to fertilize them too
Both: All our tomorrows in one happy nest
All our tomorrows so blessed

Bert: Oh my Betty
You are the queen of my heart
Betty: Oh my Bertie
Soon a family we’ll start
Both: All our tomorrows with each rising sun
Till our tomorrows are done

Bert: Oh my Betty
Betty: Oh my Bert
Bert: Love can feel good
Betty: Love can hurt
Both: Love can change two alone into one

Both: They say that we should stick to our own genus
They say a love like ours could never last
But we know just how strong love is between us
And their ideas are fossils from the past

Bert: Whoa-ha-ha-oh-oh
Betty: My Bertie
Bert: My Betty
Both: My love

Betty: Oh my Bertie
I want to have eggs with you
Bert: Oh my Betty
I want to fertilize them too
Both: All our tomorrows with each rising sun
Till our tomorrows are done

Bert: Oh my Betty
Betty: Oh my Bert
Bert: Love can feel good
Betty: Love can hurt
Both: Love can change two alone into one
Love can change two alone into one.

[The following section is in pantomime with some ‘time passing’ quiz show kind of music.]

Time passes… A stage hand rolls an hourglass, in a round frame, across the stage as though the hourglass is doing cartwheels. Bert is reading the paper, smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds up her knitting for Bert to admire. Bert begins to putter around with the parts for a baby carriage. A feathery milkman delivers fresh milk, picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Time passes… Again the stage hand moves the hourglass across the stage. Bert is still reading the paper and smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds it up and it is getting long. More quickly: A winged and feathery milkman delivers fresh milk, picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Time passes… Again… Bert is still reading the paper and smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds it up and it is getting really long. Again, Betty reminds Bert about working on the baby carriage. The wheels of the carriage are large honey-dip donuts. He resumes his work but suddenly Betty has a contraction. Bert runs offstage and returns with a midwife. Betty and the midwife exit behind a screen at the back of the stage. More quickly: A winged and feathery milkman delivers fresh milk and picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Bert is pacing. He pulls a small hockey stick lovingly from out of the carriage. He paces some more. He holds up a miniature Maple Leaf jersey.

Bert: Yeah, it does seem like 65 million years since they won the cup.

Finally, the midwife and Betty reappear. Betty is holding a bundle. She hands the bundle to Bert. It’s an egg and he looks at it quizzically. She motions for him to put the egg in the nest. She points to his derriere and then the nest to indicate that he is to keep it warm. Then Betty and the midwife leave, obviously ready to celebrate. Bert sits atop the egg with his pipe and paper.

Time passes… Bert is sitting on the egg, smoking his pipe and reading the paper. Betty continues to knit the same thing, making it longer and longer. Then Bert feels something move in the egg beneath him.

Bert: Betty! Betty!
Betty: What is it Bert?
Bert: Our egg! I think it’s going to hatch!
Betty: Oh, this is exciting!

The egg hatches, and a little winged dinosaur comes out. Bert is a little taken aback by the birdlike features of the archaeopteryx. The intro music to the song begins.

Betty: Oh Bert isn’t he cute?
Bert: Well, he’s different.
Betty: Oh Bert he’s adorable!
Bert: Are you sure we hatched the right egg?
Betty: Oh Bert, don’t be silly. Of course, it’s our egg!
Bert: It’s just that I was expecting him to look a little different… more like you or me.

Evolution Gets It Right
Betty and Bert

Betty: He’s got your eyes, dear
Bert: But where’d he get those wings?
Betty: Aren’t you glad he flies, dear?
Bert: But that’s not everything:
He’s got a pointy beak and lots of tiny teeth
Betty: Forget about appearances, there’s so much underneath

Betty: He’s got your brains, dear
Bert: You mean I’ve got the brains of a bird? (Betty smiles and nods.)
Betty: But it remains clear
Bert: That this whole thing is absurd
How can he swing a bat or pick up things to eat?
Betty: But just think how he’ll fly around and do stuff with his feet
Bert: Ahh…

Both: Evolution gets it right
It just takes a little time
Natural selection will see the light
And everything will turn out fine
Bert: But are you sure he’s mine?

Betty: He’s got your eyes, dear!
Bert: You said that one before
Betty: He’s such a healthy size, dear!
Bert: But there must be something more!
When other babies gurgle, ours makes a chirping sound
Betty: But feel how soft and warm he is, instead of scales there’s down

Both: Evolution gets it right
It just takes a little time
Natural selection will see the light
And everything will turn out fine
Bert: I hope you’re right!
Both: And everything will turn out fine
Bert: If he sleeps through the night!
Both: Yes everything will turn out fine.

Betty: Oh look. He smiled at you.
Bert: Are you sure that wasn’t just gas?
Baby: [belch!]
Betty: Let’s take him for a stroll.
Bert: Oh, alright.
Betty: See the lovely carriage your daddy made for you
Baby: Chirp, chirp, chomp…
Bert: Hey, don’t eat those wheels, you little brat!
Baby: Yum. Chirp, chirp, yum…
Betty: He’s so cute!
Bert: Harrumph…

They exit with Archie, the baby bird, trying to nibble the honey-dip donut wheels of the carriage and Bert trying to prevent him.

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Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 5 & 6

Scene 5
A Rocky Patch – continued (Bert’s place)

Bert is standing beside his lever. Occasionally he looks upwards and shakes his head. He covers his eyes. He knows he’s going to be in for it. Betty can hardly keep from laughing. Bron is staring at the other end of the lever, sometimes looking under it, very confused. Spinner taps Bron on the shoulder and points upwards. From offstage, PT shouts.

PT: Help!
Spin: Don’t worry, boss. We’ll get you down.
Bron: Where are you, Boss?

Bron still can’t see PT, so Spinner leans Bron back on his tail and points him up. The curtain now reveals PT’s legs swinging.

Bron: Oh yeah. Ha. There he is. Way up there.
PT: Help! Get me down!
Bron: He really did fly.
Spin: Hang in there, PT. We’ll figure something out.

Spinner looks at Bert, who shrugs.

Bron: Wow. All three of his horns got stuck! Ha-ha.
Spin: I’d better go for help.

Spinner exits in a hurry.

PT: Get me down from here, you bozos!
Bron: Spinner’s gone for help. We’ll get you down soon, Boss.
PT: I want down now!
Bron: OK. I’ll see what I can do.

Bron moves back and takes a very slow run at the tree trunk. He crashes against the trunk and pushes with his shoulder, but all he does is make it shake.

PT: Woah-h-h-h-h! Stop! Bron! Stop!
Bron: Maybe I should take a better run at it?
PT: No! No! Stop! Wait for Spinner.

Spinner arrives with Rip and Ugh, who are equipped with dino-saws.

Ugh: Don’t worry boss. We’ll get you down!
Rip: How are we going to do this?
Spin: We got to get that tree out of the way.
Ugh: Yeah. If we cut down the tree, he’ll have to come down.
PT: Get me down!
Rip: Good thinking! Better cut it down.
Ugh: Here goes.

Ugh pulls the starter cord on his dino-saw and goes to the base of the tree. Soon, the air is filled with the chomping of the little wood-chewing lizard. PT tries to stop him, but the noise drowns him out.

PT: What are you trying to do?
Ugh: What did you say?
PT: Stop! Stop! Don’t cut this thing down!
Ugh: What?
PT: I said, “Don’t cu— Whoa! Whoa! Ahh!

There is a loud crash and a scream, as Ugh fells the tree, followed by silence.

Rip: Well, Ugh got him down.
Bron: Yeah! Pretty fast.
Spin: But the boss don’t look happy.

PT enters limping and bruised, with his horns stuck in a broken-off tree branch.

PT: Arghhh! You fool! Your stupid invention nearly killed me!
Bert: I was trying to tell-
PT: You’re fired! Grrrr! Let’s get out of here!

Poppa Tops and the Tarsands Boys exit. Betty bursts into laughter.

Betty: You are clever.
Bert: I tried to tell him.
Betty: He did look funny up there swinging his legs.
Bert: Betty, I don’t want you hanging around Poppa Tops and his gang. They’re a rough bunch.
Betty: And who are you to tell me what to do?
Bert: It’s for your own good. Those guys are trouble.
Betty: If Poppa Tops is so bad, why were you working for him? Mind your own business.
Bert: I – I – uh–

[music starts]

Bert: I thought you were my girl!
Betty: Well, you better think again!
Bert: Can’t you give me another chance? I just need a little more time. I promise I won’t screw up again.
Betty: Huh!

Better Think Again
Betty & Bert

Betty: If you think I want to be with you
Every now and then
While you go out on a date or two
Better think again

Bert: Oh my darling, I’ve been true
Things are not the way they seem
Oh my darling, it’s just you
You are the dino of my dreams

Betty: Tell me what you’ve ever done for me
Every now and then.
If you think you are the one for me
Better think again

Bert: Oh my darling, won’t you stay?
And I say this as a friend
There is so much danger there
I’m asking you to think again!

Both: Tell me now; oh, tell me how
I can make you see
Oh, tell me now; won’t you tell me how
It means so much to me?
It means so much to me.

Betty: If you think I want to be with you
Every now and then
While you go out on a date or two
Better think again!
I am not your darling
Not one more time
I said I’m not your darling
And you’re not mine
Why don’t you get it?

Bert: [in counterpoint]
Oh my darling
I think you better think again
Oh my darling
You better think again!
Oh my darling, I been true
I just need a little time
Oh my darling, some day soon
I am going to make you mine

Both: Tell me why you never see the light
Every now and then
If you think it’s going to be alright
I’m telling you; I’m telling you; I’m telling you
Better think again!!

Betty: I’m leaving!
Bert: Where are you going?
Betty: That way!
Bert: I was going to go that way.
Betty: Then I’m going this way!
Bert: Well if you’re going be like that then, just go!
Betty: The same to you!
Bert: I am going!
Betty: Me too!
Bert: So, what’s keeping you?
Betty: Yeah? What’s keeping you?

After a short hesitation, both groan out of frustration and exit in opposite directions.

Scene 6
Clear Cutting – The edge of the woods)

A group of herbivores are contentedly munching on foliage in the woods. They chant in rhythm with just a drum set accompaniment.

Yum, Crunch [no demo yet]
Denizens

Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! These do taste good!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Like good leaves should!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! All that we please!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Long live the trees!

Poppa Tops arrives with the Tarsands boys and the Premier. The TBs are equipped with dino-saws. PT gesticulates, giving instructions to clear the area. He indicates that the Premier is to smooth things over. He then exits. The herbivores repeat their rhythmic speech and the Tarsands boys chant overtop.

Tarsands: C’mon boys, let’s make some noise
We’re gonna… saw wood
C’mon boys, these ain’t no toys
Let’s cut ‘em… down for good!

C’mon boys, let’s do some stuff
There’s gonna be… no trees
C’mon boys, show you’re tough
Let’s build them factories

Denizens [in counterpoint]: Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! These do taste good!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Like good leaves should!

Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! All that we please!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Long live the trees!

Tarsands: Ok, boys (and girl), it’s damage time!! Start your dino-saws!

The Tarsands Boys start their dino-saws and the woods are filled with the growling and chomping of little wood-chewing lizards. They start cutting down trees to make way for the new donut factory. The terrified herbivores panic and seek the help of the Premier. The TBs saw their way off stage.

Dinos: Mr. Premier, help us! Something terrible is happening. Our forest! They’re destroying it. Etc.
Hoodwink: Good herbivores, listen to me. There is no need to panic.
Dino_3: But the forest!
Dino_2: All the trees!
Dino_4: Premier Hoodwink, you’ve got to stop them!
Dino_1: Yeah! They’ve got no right to do that to our trees!
Hoodwink: Now, now, good denizens of Yucatan, listen to me. It may be loud and scary. And, at first glance, it looks like you are losing a favourite place to graze.
Dino_3: We are! They’re destroying our forest!
Dinos: Yeah!
Hoodwink: Ah, but what looks to you like destruction, to a true visionary?such as myself?looks like progress!
Dino_4: What’s that?
Hoodwink: Your problem is that you can’t see the big picture.
Dino_2: We can and it looks bad!
Hoodwink: No, no. It’s the little picture that looks bad. Why, the big picture looks fantastic!
Dino_1: I don’t get it.
Hoodwink: No, that’s because you can’t see the forest for the trees [Music begins]
Dino_3: But there are no trees!
Hoodwink: You miss the point. Listen carefully!

Can’t See the Forest for the Trees [no vocal recorded yet]
Premier Hoodwink

Now you may see a lake
That’s half empty to you
But what you see is what you take
For it is half full too!
Now you may see some land
And think the trees are gone
But what you fail to understand
Is nothing… has gone wrong.

You can’t judge a Rex by the cover
Cause beauty is deeper than skin
You can’t tell a good egg from another
When thick shells are keeping it in. [taps their heads]
You can’t tell a rock from a hard place
When you’re just shooting the breeze
So don’t bite your snout off just to spite your face
When you can’t see the forest for the trees

Dinos: What trees? I don’t see any trees. etc. [interjections]

Know what makes the heart grow fonder?
It’s absence, don’t you know?
So if you have no trees to ponder
Just think how your love will grow!

Dinos: Never thought of it that way. What’s he talking about? Gosh. etc.

You fall in a hole? Better climb out!
Don’t dig deeper instead!
Or your little brain will need some time out
Just as sure as the lump on your head [taps heads]
Now trust me, I know just what you got
Is short-sighted social disease
So maybe you are not the sharpest claw on the paw
When you can’t see the forest for the trees, my friend
When you can’t see the forest for the trees

Dinos: I still don’t see any trees. I don’t get it. etc.

Hoodwink: Now you understand!
Dinos: No. Not really. Uh-uh. Etc.
Hoodwink: Then, let me explain it this way, my good denizens of Yucatan. In the short term, you’ll lose a few worthless trees. In the long term, what you’ll be gaining is this!! [He holds up a cardboard donut box.]
Dinos: “What’s that?” “Ah look.” “I wonder what’s in there!” “Is that what I think it is?” Etc.
Hoodwink: This, my friends, is a box of the most glorious, chewy, sweet and mouth-watering creations on the face of this fair planet!
Dinos: [They gasp and salivate and smack their lips.] Do you think maybe it’s…
Hoodwink: When these few insignificant shrubs are cleared away, Poppa Tops, that leading citizen, will build a state-of-the-art factory to manufacture millions and millions of DONUTS!
Dinos: “Oh, it is.” “Yummy.” Etc.
Hoodwink: Here. Have some! You lucky creatures will never have to eat boring old leaves again!
Dinos: “Hurrah!” “Oh happy day!” “No more yucky leaves.” Etc.
Hoodwink: And I have more good news. Everyone in the Premier Hoodwink re-election team is invited to party headquarters for?you guessed it?more free donuts!!
Dinos: [More gasping and salivating and lip-smacking.]
Hoodwink: So who’s for joining Team Hoodwink?
Dinos: “I am!” “Count me in!” “Oh yes!” Etc.
Hoodwink: Ha-ha. Then let’s go!

All exit. One dinosaur, Betty’s Mom, hesitates. She looks a little apprehensive. Then her appetite gets the better of her and she smacks her lips and runs after the crowd to join them.

BM: I’m not so sure about this. But… they are very yummy…
Wait for me. I’m coming too!

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Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 3 & 4

Scene 3
Gravel Pit

Four pachycephalosaurs (bulb-headed creatures) obviously dumb, are busting up rock into gravel with their heads. A sign big sign says: “Bust ‘Em Up Gravel Corp. – Powered by Dino-mite!”


T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
Four pachycephalosaurs


Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re big and dumb and obsolete
Ugh! [head-butt rocks on the ‘ugh’]
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you make a mess just moving your feet

And when you go out shopping
The jaws will all be dropping
When you hit some city street
Ahhhh! (feigning terror)
Oh well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re big and dumb and obsolete

A basic drum beat continues. D4 blows a whistle.

D4: Joke break!
D3: Why did the Brontosaurus devour an entire factory?
D2: I don’t know. Why?
D3: Because she was a plant eater! [all laugh except D2]
D2: I don’t get it!
D1: What do you give a brachiosaurus with an upset tummy?
D2: Hey! You told that yesterday! It was my turn!
D1: Oh, alright.
D2: What do you give a brachiosaurus with an upset tummy?
D1: Plenty of room!
D2: Hey! That’s my line! You’re supposed to say “I don’t know. What?” And then I say—
D4: OK, guys, joke break’s over.

Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re dancin’ and you feel the heat
Ooo!
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When they know that you got four left feet!

Ouch!
Cause when you start to boogie
It’s Godzilla in the movie
And that ain’t dancin’ in the street!
Ahhhh!
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re dancin’ and you feel the heat

D3: OK guys, let’s dance! [instrumental break with ‘You Can Dance’ rhythm]

They do a clumsy, collision-laden, heat-butting dance routine punctuated by the occasional ‘Ugh!’ Then back to more stupid jokes:

D4: Joke break!
D1: Oh! Oh! I got one for you!
Knock, knock.
D2: Who’s there?
D1: T. Rex-Rex
D2: T. Rex-Rex who?
D1: T. Rex wrecks you!

The others growl and pretend to bare their teeth and claws at D2

D2: Hey! That’s not funny!
D3: Oh! How about this one!
Did you hear about the herbivore who sat on a volcano?
D4: No.
D3: ‘Had-a-sore-ass! [all laugh except D2]
D2: I don’t get it!
D4: Oh, we’re bustin’ ‘em up tonight, boys! Joke break’s over.

Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re big and dumb and obsolete
Ugh!
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re trying hard to be discreet

Cause when you go out dining
Oh they really start a-whining
When it’s one price for all-you-can-eat!
Yummm!!!
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re big and dumb and ab–
And big and dumb and ab–
And big and dumb and
Absolutely obsolete!!
Cha-cha-cha!

D3: Guys! Guys! I just had a thought!
D1: Whoa! You are using your head today!
D2: What is it? What is it?
D3: Why don’t we smash some more rocks?
D4: Great idea!
D1: That’s using the old noggin!
D2: I can hardly wait!
D4: You go first. [to D2]

They get back to work and are having a great time. They yell ‘yippee’ and run headfirst at the wall of solid rock. But presently, some ominous music signals the entrance of the Tarsands Boys. They come on one at a time: Rip, Ugh, Steggy and eventually Bron.

D3: Oh, oh guys. Looks who’s here!
D2: Yikes!
D4: Try to look busy!
D1: Maybe they’ll go away.
Ugh: You boys working hard?
D3: Oh yeah, oh yeah!
D4: We been busting our, uh, little brains all day long.
D2: Yeah! Just look at all the gravel we made!
Rip: Well don’t let us stop you.
Ugh: C’mon Bron.

Bron the Bruiser

Bron slowly enters to the terror of the workers..

Bron: Who do I squash? Huh?
Steg: Keep busting it up, boys, while we remind you who we are!

A slow & raunchy blues starts.

The Tarsands Boys
Rip, Ugh, Steggy and Bron


All: We are the Tarsands Boys
Steg: (and girl)
All: Don’t go and mess with the mob
Yeah we are the Tarsands Boys
Steg: (and girl)
All: Don’t go and mess with the mob
Cause if you cross the Tarsands
You’re gonna take a little stroll… in the bog!

Rip the Pterror

Bron: Now I’m Big Bron the Bruiser
I’m a heavy, yeah a heavy, just as heavy as a heavy can be [dumbly]
Rip: And they call me Rip the Tearer
I can tear off a strip of your hide so easily
Bron: And it’s like we Tarsands guys always say, uh… uh…
Rip: You’re in a mess if you mess with me!
Bron: Oh yeah. That’s it! That’s what we always say.

Ugh the Thug

Ugh : Now they call me Ugh the Thug
I got jaws and claws to positively make you yell
Steg: And me, I’m Steg the Slasher
And you don’t want to know the tail that I tell [brandishes tail]
Ugh: Cause if you cross the Tarsands
Both: You can kiss it all a fond farewell!

Ugh: Smash those rocks you dodos! [workers head butt rocks at accents]

All: We can crush, we can tear, we can claw you [Stop Time Chorus:]
We got teeth as sharp as a knife
If you try to mess with the Tarsands
You’ll be oo-oo-oo-oozing life!
Cause we’re the Tarsands Boys (and girl)
And we ain’t takin’ no jive
Cause if you cross the Tarsands
There won’t be nothin’ left to revive!

Bron: So what are we here for? Who do I squash? One of those guys?
D1-4: Ahh! [cowering]
Ugh: Nah! The boss just said to meet him at the pit.
Rip: And when Poppa Tops says to meet him, you meet him.
Steg: Something big must be up.
Ugh: Yeah! Something really big!
Bron: I like big.
Ugh: Size matters.
Rip: Hey, here’s the Boss now!
Steg: Yeah, and Spinner’s with him.

Poppa Tops and Spinner enter. Spinner is carrying a new sign.

PT: Well boys, we’re into a whole new line of business. Gravel? It’s the pits. Bust ‘Em Up Gravel Corporation has gone bust. We’re moving into the fast food lane. Put up the sign, Spinner.

Spinner replaces the sign with: “Chow Down Corporation ~ Donuts of Ex-stink-shun!”

Rip: “Chow Down Corporation ~ Donuts of Ex-stink-shun!” What’s that mean?
PT: “Extinction”? You idiot! That’s supposed to be “Dis”-tinction!
Spin: Sorry PT. I’ll fix it right away. [Corrects the sign with a big marker.]
PT: Why am I surrounded by idiots? Don’t answer that.
Bron: Hey Boss, what’s a donut?
PT: A donut? Ah, a donut is a glorious thing. It is round, chewy and sweet. No food value, cheap to make, highly addictive and, boys and girl, donuts are going to make me – ah, us – a fortune! [Music begins and he sings with all the charm of John Ashcroft.] A donut is so glorious, in fact, I can feel a song coming on. Boys, I can see a beautiful future out there just waiting for Chow Down Corporation:

Location, Location, Location
Poppa Tops

I see field after field of tall, waving wheat
And mountains of honeycomb
I see shop after shop on each city street
So conveniently close to home
Location, Location, Location!
[Spoken:] Can’t you just smell those donuts baking boys?” [They look confused.]

I see armies of workers who harvest and grind
I see legions that mix the dough
I see thousands of ovens that bake all the time
From the heat of a volcano
Location, Location, Location!

Far as the eye can see
Will all belong to me
And every creature great and small
Forever at my beck and call

I see millions of customers eager to buy
And all craving something sweet
I see one glorious day when my product line
Is all that there is to eat
Location, Location, Location!

The pachycephalosaurs do one big gravel-busting head butt on the final chord.

PT: Thanks you. Thank you. Now, you bulb-headed pachycephalosaurs, go home. Tomorrow report to the volcano and where you can start head-butting some holes for the ovens.

Gravel pit workers exit saying things like: “Oo that sounds like fun.”, “Hot, hot, hot!”, “We’ll be there!”, “Always getting ahead – ho-ho-ho.” etc. PT shakes his head in disbelief.

PT: C’mon boys (and girl). I got my eye on a cool cave in the City. We’re going to open a night club: The Big Bang Club!
Spin: Just the place to launch the Chow Down brand!
PT: And you geniuses can help negotiate the selling price, if you know what I mean.

[Lots of ignorant laughter as all exit]

Scene 4A
Rocky Patch (Bert’s place)

Bert is working away, trying to invent something. He takes a break to muse.

Rhyme and Reason
Bert

What gives the rhyme a reason?
What makes a new star in the sky?
What brings a changing season?
What makes me stop and wonder why?

All around
The yearning for life runs deep
When the sun goes down
We come to the night to sleep

And to dream again
Of some day to understand
The rhyme and the reason
For such joy and pain
Again and again
But then…

What gives the rhyme a reason?
Why should a seed begin to grow?
How can I let it be when
There is so much I do not know?

All around
The melodies rise and fall
When we hear the sound
We answer the song, the call

And I dream again
Of some day to understand
The rhyme and the reason
For such joy and pain
Again and again

The rhyme and the reason
For our joy and pain
Again and again
And again
But then…

Bert continues mucking about, a log falls across another log, rock like a teeter totter. Bert sits on one end of the tree and is surprised when the other end goes up. (Possibly use of the Also Sprach Shave-and-a-Haircut music.) He scrambles to the other end, sits on it and observes that the first end now goes up. He continues moving from end to end trying to get both ends down. For Bert, it is like whack-a-mole in an amusement park. He is getting frustrated and in a slapstick way tries sneaking up on one end only to see the first one go up. Enter Steg, the moll of the Tarsands Boys. Steg is followed by several males. She sings her Tango while Bert takes a break from his unsuccessful exercise. As she dances and sings, she slaps the row of males in succession to exemplify her power.

Steggy’s Tango
Steg

Steg the Slasher

There is no rhyme or reason
For what you call indecent
It’s never out of season
What the male considers love
And just can’t get enough!

For when I spy my quarry
It’s all the same sad story
They never once feel sorry
‘Til they’re in it good and deep
And they are mine to keep!

They lose their grip
And try to trip
The light fandango
But all too soon
I change the tune
And they dance Steggy’s Tango

These stupid brutes
Love low-hung fruit
Like a firm, but juicy mango
But everyone
When I get done
Is dancing Steggy’s Tango!

Olé!

Steg sends the males away, so she can focus on her next quarry.

Steg: Hi Bert.
Bert: Oh, hi Steggy.
Steg: What are you doing?
Bert: Uh, another experiment. I’m trying to get this thing to stay down.
Steg: Can I help?
Bert: Hmm. Yes, you could.
Steg: OK. What do I do?
Bert: You sit on that end and keep it down while I sit on the other end.
Steg: OK.

Steg does so but her end goes up in the air.

Steg: Sorry, my end went up.
Bert: Too bad. I’ll let you down. Hmm… [He lets her down a bit.]
Steg: Hey, now you just went up.
Bert: You’re right. Let me try again.
Steg: Wee! This is fun.
Bert: [They go up and down a few times.] It’s no use. The other end always comes up.
Steg: Maybe that’s because it’s the same piece of wood?
Bert: What? Oh, uh, maybe so…
Steg: Bert, why don’t we see what happens when we both sit on the same end?
Bert: That’s worth a try.

They sit together and wait. Nothing happens, but Steg enjoys it.

Bert: The other end’s not moving. This doesn’t seem to work.
Steg: Maybe we need to wait a little longer?

They wait a little longer.

Bert: I’ve got an idea.
Steg: Me too.
Bert: We’ll sit at this end and drop a boulder on the other and see what happens. With us both on this end, I’m sure we can keep this thing down.
Steg: That sounds like fun.

Bert positions the boulder. He props it up with a small stick. Then he sits with Steg at the other end. They wait…

Bert: Get ready! [They wait…]
Steg: How are you going to pull the stick?
Bert: Oh, right.
Steg: Maybe you could use that vine?
Bert: To… uh?
Steg: To pull the stick?
Bert: Right. I was just going to try that.

Bert loops a vine around the stick. He goes back to the other end of the teeter totter with Steg. He’s holding the vine.

Bert: Are you ready?
Steg: Oh I’m ready.
Bert: OK. Here goes!

Bert pulls the vine, the stick moves and the rock falls. Bert and Steg go flying and land in a heap together. Enter Betty.

Steg: Wow! Bert, that was like flying!
Bert: That was exciting! Are you OK?
Steg: Oh I feel good!
Betty: What is going on here?
Bert: Oh, hi Betty. Steg was helping me with an experiment.
Betty: An experiment? So this is what you do when you’re experimenting!
Bert: No. No. It’s not what you think.
Steg: We were just trying out something Bert invented. When I went down, he went up and when I went up, he went down. Then it was like we were flying!
Bert: It was kinda fun.
Betty: I bet it was!
Bert: No, no Betty, it’s not what you think.
Betty: [to Steg] You, you… you get out of here before I forget I just like plants!
Steg: Ah Betty, can’t you let your lover boy have a little fun now and then?
Betty: Fun! Grr….
Steg: Alright I’ll leave. Hope to see you later Bertie.

Exit Steg.

Betty: Oh! That loose lizard! Always egging on some guy!
Bert: Really Betty, it was just a good clean fun.
Betty: If I hear ‘fun’ one more time, I swear I will…
Bert: But… but…
Betty: And where were you today?
Bert: I was right here; I thought that was part of the problem?
Betty: We were supposed to go out!
Bert: That was today? I forgot.
Betty: And what else is new?
Bert: Maybe we could do something now?
Betty: I have had it! Waiting eons for you – and then I catch you with that, that, creature!
Bert: But… but…
Betty: It’s over! Finished! Extinct! K-T!

While they argue, Poppa Tops and his gang enter. They are on their way to the City.

PT: Sorry to interrupt you two love-lizards. I’ve come for the recipe, Brain-osaurus.
Bert: Oh, here it is. [Bert hands PT a little recording lizard. PT taps the head of the lizard and it speaks.]
Lizard: “Set your volcano oven for 350. In a cauldron, mix I honeycomb, I dino-egg, and?”
PT: Alright, alright. By the way, have you come up with any new food ideas lately?
Bert: Not yet.
PT: Well, get that over-sized brain of your working! How about something herbivore-flavoured? (No offence Bert.)
Bert: I’ll see what I can do.
PT: Bert, you got to think food for mass consumption. Seems to me that after inventing the donut, you’ve been a dud.
Betty: Dud is right!
PT: See if you can get your boyfriend to think up with something useful.
Betty: He’s not my boyfriend. Not anymore!
PT: [to Betty] Hmm. That so? I like your attitude. Ever thought of moving to the City? I’m starting a new club and could use a creature with your, uh, talents.
Betty: I’d love to!
Bert: Betty!
PT: Good. Just drop in at the Big Bang Club and you got yourself a job. [to Bert:] And you: I want something brilliant or else! I don’t keep you on the payroll to play with sticks and stones.
Bert: But I did invent something new. Look. When this side goes down, the other goes up.
PT: Oh, very interesting. Humph! Let’s go boys. [starting to leave]
Bert: And I can use it to make things fly!
PT: Wait a minute! Did you say ‘Fly’? Now, that is interesting. How does it work?
Bert: Well, if you drop something heavy on this end, then whatever is on the other end will go flying.
PT: I’ve always wished I could fly. All those idiotic pterodactyls – no offence Rip – flapping around in the sky like they owned the place; and all of us good solid hardworking triceratops stuck here on the ground, having to watch their smug, beaky grins… Oo that just burns me up! Bert, I’ll give your invention a try.
Bert: Well, I’m not sure if?
PT: So, do I stand here?
Bert: Well, yeah, but…
PT: And what do you drop on the other end?
Bert: I use this rock.
PT: That little rock? That’s not heavy! If Poppa Tops is going to fly, he’s going to fly! Forget that piddly little stone. We need something heavy!

All heads slowly turn to look at Bron.

Bron: I’m a heavy…as heavy as a heavy can be.
PT: Bron, you go to the top of that cliff and jump, and land on the other end.
Bert: Mr. Tops, sir, I’m not sure if that is such a good idea
PT: You said heavy and Bron is heavy.
Bron: OK, PT. I’m on my way. [Sings: “Call me irresistible, dum dum dum deedum deedum…” as he goes off stage right.]
Bert: But… But…
PT: Boys, you’re about to witness the first flying triceratops.
Bert: But… Uh…
PT: What’s wrong? This thing works, don’t it? I’m going to go flying, right?
Bert: Yeah, you’ll go flying. It’s just?
PT: Let’s get started. Ready, Bron?
Bron: Ready, PT.
PT: On the count of three, Bron, you jump.
Bron: What’s a count?
PT: When you hear me say “three”, you jump off that cliff and land on that end of the log.
Bron: OK. What’s a three?
PT: It doesn’t matter! When you hear me say the word “three”, you just jump. OK?
Bron: Okeedokee!
PT: One!
Bert: What I was trying to say was…
PT: Two!
Bert: …that after you go flying, I don’t know how you’re going to…
PT: Three!
Bron: Was that the “three” I was waiting for?
PT: Not the sharpest claw on the paw. OK you pea-brain, just jump!
Bert: But I don’t know how you’re going to land!!!
Bron: Here goes!!!!

We see Bron’s feet below the proscenium as he leaps off the cliff. His feet stop in mid-air, suspended, like a freeze frame. But we must leave it there because it is:

Intermission

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Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 1 & 2

Dramatis Dinosaurae

Bert, our hero  -  hadrosaur
Betty, our heroine  -  unaysaurus
Poppa Tops, ruthless tycoon  -  torosaurus
Premier Rex Hoodwink, corrupt politician  -  tyrannosaurus
Spinner, VP Communications  -  TBA
Betty’s Mom  -  mature unaysaurus
Tarsands Gang:
   Bron the Bruiser  -  brontosaurus
   Rip the Pterror  -  pterrible pterodactyl
   Ugh the Thug  -  carnotaurus tough guy
   Steg the Slasher  -  stegosaurian moll
The Stonettes (Betty’s friends & backup vocalists):
   Madge  -  TBA
   Ruth  -  TBA
   Claire  -  TBA
   Freda  -  TBA
Gravel Pit Workers:
   Boris  -  pachycephalosaur
   Frank  -  pachycephalosaur
   Cyril  -  pachycephalosaur
   Louie  -  pachycephalosaur
Bert & Betty’s Offspring:
   Archie  -  archaeopteryx
   Trixie  -  archaeopteryx
   Obie  -  archaeopteryx
Chow Down Executives:
   Scalar, VP Market Research  -  TBA
   Adder, VP Finance  -  TBA
   DR, VP Dino Resources  -  TBA
The Denizens  -  assorted dinosaurs

Note: the type of dinosaur for many characters is marked TBA, so that the costume director has free rein in this area. See addendum for suggestions.

Scene 1
At the Dawn of Time – a display of stones containing fossils

Lights fade up on various rock formations with fossilized shapes. One by one, the fossil shapes transform into living creatures who come out of the various rocks. After transforming, each dinosaur sings: At the dawn of time, long before before began. The number of transformations increases, until all the fossils have been transformed, forming a chorus.

At the Dawn of Time
Company

At the dawn of time
Long before before began
At the dawn of time
Before any trace of man
At the dawn of time
There’s a story that the silent rocks remember

Let your sense of time just slip away
Many million years can vanish in a day
Let the breezes blow
Let dying embers grow to a flame.

At the dawn of time
Long before before began
At the dawn of time
Long before before began

[many overlapping voices enter]

Many million years can vanish in a day
Vanish in a day…

*     *     *

The creatures leave the stage, except for Bert who looks up at the sky.

Bert: Strange. There’s a new star in the sky. Very bright. Hmm.

Bert shakes his head and exits.

Scene 2
Stony landscape in Yucatan – 65 million years ago

Up-tempo salsa music. It is party time in Yucatan. A smoking volcano is in the background. All of the creatures seem to get along well. Some are munching on veggies; others have a barbecued rodent-on-a-stick; others are just moving around or hanging out.

Yucatan
Company

Only the old is new in Yucatan
Each day so like the last in Yucatan
Knowing that all we need to do
Is live like in the past
We live, die and live again
In Yucatan

Radiant is the dawn in Yucatan
Shimmering are the stars in Yucatan
And always hearing a song play on and on
Of Venus and of Mars
We live, die and live again
In Yucatan

This is our story:
Time immemorial
Without beginning
Always with time to tell
With time to tell

Only the old is new in Yucatan
Each day so like the last in Yucatan
Knowing that all we need to do
Is live like in the past
We live, die and live again
We live, die and live again
We live, die and live again
In Yucatan

Yucatan
In Yucatan
Yucatan
In Yucatan

*     *     *

The various dinosaurs, in the ensemble, relax and begin to doze off. From the back of the stage, a fierce-looking T-Rex peers over a rock and then sneaks up them. It appears to be certain doom for some, but the T-Rex is none other than Premier Hoodwink. He is wearing a Vote for Premier Hoodwink button. Just when you think he is going to slaughter an herbivore, he flips on a flat straw hat, raises a megaphone and rouses everyone. His entourage follows.

Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan!!!
Dinos: [various shocked reactions:] What? Uh! What is it? Oh. It’s him. I wish he wouldn’t do that. What is it? Etc.
Hoodwink: [oblivious] We have enjoyed millions of years of prosperity in Yucatan. Under the leadership of Premier Hoodwink, – that’s me! – our land has flourished.
Dino_1: Has anything changed?
Hoodwink: Dinosaurs have lots to eat. Herbivores may safely graze – except for the odd one we theropods consume – and the surrounding woodlands and mountain caves continue to afford us comfortable habitats.
Dino_2: [To the Premier:] Have you already eaten today?
Dino_3: Yeah, what are you up to?
Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan, and scrumptious herbivores, I have come – not to feed upon you – but to feed your minds. In the forthcoming election, we all must do our civic duty. Each of us must decide who is best to lead Yucatan into the future eons.
Dino_1: Is someone else running this time?
Hoodwink: I ask you for your vote. I want to work with you all, together, as a team. I pledge to end all corruption and nepotism.
Dino_2: Nepo-what?
Dino_3: Yeah, right!
Hoodwink: No more favoritism. It won’t be who you know but what you’re made of that counts!
Dino_1: I knew it! He wants to eat us!
Hoodwink: A clean responsive government is the benchmark of Team Hoodwink.
Dino_4: Sounds like the same speech from the last ten elections.

While the Premier goes on and on, Bert enters. He has a club/pestle on his shoulder and is dragging a bag. He sets these down and then drags on a large stone mortar. He puts some grain from the bag into the mortar and begins to pound away.

Hoodwink: And so, good denizens of Yucatan, I humbly ask for your support. Election day is decision day, a day when all creatures speak. We all must do our civic duty and cast our ballot. Remember, a vote for me is a vote for you!
And now, I am pleased to be joined by the other members of the Premier Hoodwink Re-Election Team. Let me introduce Ugh and Rip.

During this last bout of baffle-gab, two nasty looking characters enter. Ugh and Rip, thugs from the Tarsands Boys, flank the Premier. The denizens take notice and begin to be more responsive to Premier Hoodwink’s speech. Their sarcasm has been replaced by coerced enthusiasm.

Dino_3: Yeah.
Dino_2: Vote for Premier Hoodwink!
Dino_1: Is anyone else to vote for?
Hoodwink: I regret that my competitor, Herb Ivor, has dropped out of the race. Herb was such an outstanding, – and delectable – citizen. He will be sorely missed in public life.
My dear Denizens, please don’t think of it as me seeking re-election. Think of it as you, the Yucatanians, expressing your will. It is all of you who must choose the best leader, a leader who will take you boldly into the future.

Betty and some of her friends enter. They notice Bert. They join the crowd, appearing only marginally interested in politics. Bert, however, is totally absorbed in his work and is oblivious to all else around him. The Tarsands Boys work the crowd and nudge any disinterested creatures until they become enthusiastic.

Hoodwink: Do want to enter a future of chaos and uncertainty?
Dinos: No!
Hoodwink: Do you want a future of continued prosperity?
Dinos: Yes!
Hoodwink: Do you want a future you can trust?
Dinos: Yes!
Hoodwink: Then vote for a leader you can trust!
Dinos: Yes!
Hoodwink: And who is that leader?
Dinos: Hoodwink!
Hoodwink: Who is that leader?
Dinos: Hoodwink!
Hoodwink: Who is the one who deserves your vote?
Dinos: Hoodwink! Hoodwink! Hoodwink!
Hoodwink: Yes, my friends, the leader you need, the leader who has given you stability and responsible government, the leader who has tirelessly served you in the past and will lead you triumphantly into the future, stands humbly before you. On election day, “Re-elect Premier Hoodwink!”
Dinos: Hoodwink! Hoodwink! Re-Elect Premier Hoodwink!
Hoodwink! Hoodwink! Re-Elect Premier Hoodwink!
Hoodwink: Thank you, thank you for this overwhelming and touching show of support. Remember folks, “A vote for Hoodwink is a vote for nothing new under the sun”  just lots more of that good old prosperity and success!
Dinos: Hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
Hoodwink: And now, friends, you’re all invited back to my office for a reception. Munchies are on me! And, my dear and yummy herbivores, fear not! You are all invited to have a snack, not to be a snack.

All exit except Betty, her friends (aka The Stonettes) and Bert.

Betty: What are you up to Bert?
Bert: What? Oh, hi Betty.
Betty: What are you doing?
Bert: It’s an experiment.
Betty: What’s that?
Bert: I’m going to see what happens when I mix these things together.
Betty: Sounds awesome. When are you going to be done?
Bert: I can’t really say. It’s when something interesting happens – or when I run out things to try.
Betty: You did promise to go out with me today.
Bert: Oh, was that today? I forgot.
Betty: Again. Why don’t you take a break and come with us?
Others: Yeah!
Freda: We’re going to the dance.
Bert: That sounds like fun, but I really want to finish this first. Tomorrow for sure, I’ll go dancing. [music starts]
Betty: You said that yesterday!
Freda: And the day before!
Claire: And the day before that!
Betty: You should come now.
Others: Yeah! C’mon Bert!
Madge: I bet you look cute when you shake that tail of yours! [Betty scowls.]
Bert: I’m sorry girls; I need to work a little longer.
Betty: Bert, you need to have a little real fun now and then. You’re all work and no play!
Betty sings with her friends doing backup vocals. Each Stonette pops up and down like a whack-a-mole when they sing their words.

Betty: a unaysaurus

Oh Bertie!
Betty & the Stonettes

Oh Bertie (Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert)
Won’t you come out and play (Play, play, play, come and play)
Oh Bertie
Won’t you come out today?

Every time I ask you out (shoop, shoop)
You got too much to do (Too much to do)
Why are you always such a lout? (shoop, shoop)
I’m such a fool to wait for you! (Fool to wait for you)

Oh Bertie (sim. back vocals)
Won’t you come out and play
Oh Bertie
Won’t you come out today?

Betty and friends exit. Bert continues to experiment. He tosses various things into the bowl, such as a beehive and an egg he pilfers from a nearby nest. (The mother dinosaur scratches her head as she counts her eggs.)

In the background the volcano, Mount Lava-Lamp, is glowing redder and redder. There is a rumbling noise. Other dinosaurs run by in panic, yelling to take cover. Bert though is absorbed and continues mixing his goop. Finally there is an eruption and the shaking knocks Bert off his feet. A red-hot rock is spewed from the volcano and lands in his mortar. The volcano calms down while the music begins as a low drone.

Also Sprach Shave and a Haircut
(instrumental)


Bert goes to the cauldron and when the smoke has cleared. Other dinos creep out from the sides of the stage to see what happened. Bert reaches in and pulls out a perfectly baked, very large donut at a triumphant chord.

The denizens all sing: All hail the mmm mmm!, mumbling the name because they don’t know what to call it. During the singing, Spinner ducks out. Towards the end of the song, he returns with Poppa Tops. PT, as he is known to his associates is an imposing figure. He puffs on a stogy and inspires dread in the various denizens.

All hail the mmm mmm?
(company – SATB choir – no demo yet)

All hail the mmm mmm?
This thing that smells so sweet
All hail the mmm mmm?
Tell us what can it be?

PT: What’s all the commotion here?
Dinos: “It’s Poppa Tops!” “Oh, oh!” “Careful!” “It’s the Gravel Don himself!” Etc.
Spin: This is the thing I was telling you about, PT.
PT: Very interesting. Who’s responsible for this?

Poppa Tops: a torosaurus

Bert: I am.
PT: So what is it?
Bert: I don’t have a name for it yet. It’s made from dough and it’s sweet, and round. And it’s got a hole in the middle.
PT: Let me see that thing. Hmm. Smells OK. Let’s see what it tastes like. Hmm. Not bad. Try some spinner.
Spin: Very yummy boss.
PT: I think you might have something here, uh- What did you say your name was?
Bert: I didn’t say. It’s Bert.
PT: I think you might have something here, Bert. Let╒s see what the other creatures think of it. Come and get it you dodos!

Poppa Tops tears off hunks and throws it to the throngs. They go wild for the samples, much to PT’s delight.

PT: Lovely, just lovely. Great response, wouldn’t you say, Spinner?
Spin: Fabulous PT. Fabulous. They’re going nuts for the dough.
PT: “Nuts for the dough.” I like that Spinner.
Spin: Yeah, they’re a bunch of ‘dough nuts’, PT.
PT: ‘Dough nuts’! Perfect! We’ll call this thing a doughnut. Hunks of dough that drive you nuts! I love it!
Spin: Great idea, PT.
PT: Glad I thought of it. Bert, you seem pretty smart for a hadrosaur. In fact, you╒re so smart that I know, that you’ll know, that I am going to offer you the deal of a lifetime.
Bert: You are?
PT: You bet I am. Nature knows I could use some brains in my operation. Here’s the deal: You like to experiment, don’t you? You like to make things up, right?
Bert: Well, yeah.
PT: You give us the recipe for the ‘dough nut’ and we’ll make you our Head of Research & Development.
Bert: What’s that?
PT: You get to spend all your time experimenting – goofing around with stuff really – and you get paid to do it! Cushy, eh? We’ll start production of the donut right away. Before you know it, we’ll be making millions and millions of donuts!
Bert: I’m not so sure if it’s a good idea to make so many.
PT: Bert, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you. Leave the big picture stuff to me. Just get me the damn recipe and I’ll figure out how to manufacture these suckers. And you, Bert: you get to go on making up new things until your scales fall off – and all on company time!
Bert: Well, I…
PT: It’s a deal. And when Poppa Tops says it’s a deal, it’s a deal. Come on Spinner. We got work to do. We’ll be back for the recipe later.

Poppa Tops and Spinner exit. The creatures are celebrating, imagining a future with millions and millions of yummy donuts! Betty is caught up in the excitement and runs up to Bert to give him a big hug.

Betty: Bert! My hero!
Bert: But I really didn’t do that mu-
Betty: Let’s hear it for Bert everyone!
All: Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray!
Betty: Wait till I tell my mom. She won’t think you’re a loser now!
Bert: She thinks I’m a–
Betty: My sweety!
All: Hooray for Bert! Hip! Hip! Hooray!

The company sings the chorus, but now with the words “All hail the donut!” They hoist up the hapless Bert up and carry him off stage.

All hail the Donut!
(SATB choir – written by not recorded yet)

All hail the donut!
So round and oh so sweet
All hail the donut!
That we cannot wait to eat

So light?
Oh such a yummy treat!
So right?
Oh we can’t wait to eat:
This dough!
This dough!
This dough! So, so
In the shape of an ‘O’
And so:

All hail the donut!
So round and oh so sweet
All hail the donut!
Let us eat, eat and eat!
All hail the donut!
Let us eat, eat and eat!

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Fastlane to Paradise – Synopsis

Presents

Fastlane to Paradise, Doug Jamieson’s new musical theatre work, will premiere on October 31, 2019, at the Capitol Theatre in Nelson, BC Canada. The Directors of the Kootenay Musical Theatre Society are working hard to raise the final funds needed to bring this exciting show to the stage. Come to Hart Hall on Sunday, June 9 at 7:00 pm for a sneak preview and to support the show.

Thanks to grants from the BC Arts Council and the Columbia Kootenay Cultural Alliance, the writing of Fastlane to Paradise was finished, demos were recorded, and the show was workshopped.

This page features several illustrations (including the above invitation) by our Set Designer Murray Kimber.  Several images are from his work The Highwayman. Visit www.murraykimber.com to see more!

Various soloists perform on the following demos. They are: Stelio Calagias as Morris Phist; Noémi Kiss, Emma Chart, Shadell Permanand and Eva McKimm as Gretchen; Michael Calladine, Doug Jamieson and Marshall Warkentin as Edward; Bessie Wapp and Eva McKimm as Peg; Aryn Sherrif as Michaela; and Bessie Wapp as both Wally & Ethel Darnell.

Synopsis – ACT 1

Stelio Calagias as Mister Phist

Morris Phist, aka the Devil, slides down the side of a gigantic clock. He gives the pendulum a swing and explains that – for him – music does not require melody or lyrics; a tick and a tock are sufficient. In Time Passing, Phist tells us he adores the inexorable passage of time, because it provides him with countless opportunities to capture souls!

Dancers mechanically present Phist’s vision of the futility of life. Michaela Archer, a paramedic and part-time guardian angel, watches briefly; with an ironic smile, she shakes her head and exits.

Phist invites the audience to visit his rock club, The Devil’s Club, to witness the tragedy of Edward Darnell, his next client.


Outside the Devil’s Club, the company performs Out of Here, during which Edward busks a song called Knife-Edge about always living a hair’s breadth away from death.


An ambulance arrives and Michaela and her team take a stretcher into the Club.

Gretchen Wilder, an attractive journalist, is on assignment, at the Devil’s Club, to review Fastlane, a band she finds crude and untalented. Gretchen and Edward are taken aback when Michaela’s team brings out the stretcher. On it is a girl who overdosed. The ambulance departs and Edward resumes busking his song. Gretchen tells him she likes it and reluctantly goes into the Club and do her review. Edward sings the last two lines of his song:

A split second overdue or a heartbeat in advance
And you’ll be kicking up your heels to join the Devil’s dance.

Edward packs up his guitar and follows Gretchen into the Club.


Illustration from The Highwayman by Set Designer Murray Kimber

Illustration from The Highwayman by Set Designer Murray Kimber

Inside the Club, it is loud! The place is scary and there are some nasty-looking people circulating around the room. Freddie Hyde, lead singer of Fastlane, is a shadow of his former self. He tries to perform Let’s go down to Hell Now Baby, but messes up badly. Peg, Freddie’s backup singer and girlfriend, tries to help him with the words, but to no avail.:

 

Morris Phist, Freddie’s manager, is fed up with his client. There are few things sacred to Phist, but the market is a little piece of heaven even the Devil understands, and Phist cannot abide what Freddie is doing to the Fastlane brand. Before Freddie leaves the stage, Phist places a curse upon Freddie, imparting self-destructive thoughts into poor Freddie’s brain. Phist resolves to replace Freddie as soon as possible. He circulates around the room, searching for his next client.  Edward enters and Phist knows he has found the one he wants.

Edward sets his guitar down and hesitantly moves toward Gretchen’s table. Before he gets there, though, she starts an animated conversation with a male visitor. Edward returns to his table to wait for a better opportunity, but finds that a couple of drunks have taken his guitar. He gets in a fight to get it back. Meanwhile, Gretchen has heard enough of the band. She leaves to go outside and listen to the busker, not realizing that Edward has come inside looking for her.

The bouncer takes the side of the drunks and shows Edward the door. Phist wants to get to work on Edward right away. He closes the Club and sends everyone away.


Edward goes to the Strickland Bridge. He sits on a railing and sings None of the Above.:


Edward wanders off the bridge as Peg and Freddie arrive amidst a shouting match. When Peg tries to help the stumbling singer, he pushes her away and hurls abuse. She goes to get help.

Freddie climbs onto the railing of the bridge, holding his aching head. He is about to leap to his death, but stumbles backwards onto the bridge. Phist arrives and again imparts a subliminal command to Freddie. Freddie climbs back onto the railing. Edward returns and realizes that Freddie is about to leap. Before he can intervene, Phist tells him to save his breath and freezes Freddie in mid-lunge.

Mister Phist with Oscar and Bessie Wapp as Wally and Ethel Darnell

Phist gets right to work on Edward. First, he calls up a vision of Bob Guttman, Edward’s boss,  who boasts about his plans to ‘trim the fat’ and fire Edward.

Next Phist presents Edward’s parents. Perched upon Ethel Darnell’s, lap, like a ventriloquist’s dummy, is Edward’s late father, Wally, now a skeleton in a fedora. They rant about Edward being Such a Disappointment.

 

 

Phist offers Edward the Deal of a Lifetime! In exchange for his soul, he can take over Freddie’s life, and become a rock star and an instant celebrity. Edward turns down the Deal. Then Phist adds a 15-minute soul-back guarantee. When Edward asks for an escape clause, Phist tells him that the day he, Morris Phist, sings with a country gospel band, the Deal is null and void. Edward still won’t bite. Then, Phist slyly tells him journalists will be clamoring to interview him, including the one he just met outside the Club. Edward thinks of Gretchen, and agrees to try the Deal but just for 15 minutes!

Phist’s team converges from out of a portal. They do an extreme makeover on Edward, at blazing speed, until he looks just like Freddie. Phist approves their work, snaps his fingers, and Freddie completes his leap. Edward is shocked, but Phist explains that there was nothing anyone could do to stop him.

Rosa Celeste by Gustave Doré with Red Gibson

Rosa Celeste by Gustave Doré with Red Gibson

Phist quickly diverts Edward and captures his attention with the appearance of a Mystical Electric Guitar. It rises majestically from out of a portal. “This is a Hell-Caster! It’s got VOLTAGE!” he shouts.

 

Phist sings Two and a Half Billion Heartbeats and gets Edward to play some killer solos.

Edward quickly gets sucked into the power of the Hell-Caster. When the fifteen-minute soul-back guarantee is up, the intoxicated Edward throws all caution to the wind and takes the Deal. The fine print doesn’t faze him. He now must answer only to the name ‘Freddie’ and keep the Deal secret or go straight to Hell! Edward sings the last verse, while Phist and his crew exit. After a brilliant cadenza, Edward collapses in a heap.

When Peg and Rick arrive, they help the disoriented Edward (now inhabiting Freddie’s body) to find his way home.


Peg and Freddie drift farther and farther apart. One evening, as Peg watches Edward learning  – of all things! – a Chopin prelude on the piano. She wonders Who is This Stranger That I Love?


Later, Fastlane is rehearsing an intricate arrangement of Knife-Edge (only a portion will be used for the scene).

Phist is annoyed that Freddie invited a journalist to a rehearsal without first consulting him. Freddie is intransigent and the band continues to rehearse while Gretchen listens.

During the interview, Edward is evasive when Gretchen asks why details of his past are so contradictory. Then she suddenly remembers that she heard Knife-Edge played by a street musician outside the Devil’s Club. Freddie is thunderstruck to learn that more than once she went back hoping to hear him. “Oh God! She fell for a busker!… Me!” he laments, stunned to realize that he didn’t need to sell his soul to get to her.


Edward and Gretchen begin to fall in love. We see a series of wordless Vignettes. They meet for lunch; talk at a reception; walk down a street. We also see Gretchen interviewing Peg and Freddie rehearsing with his bass player.

Later, both Edward and Gretchen make simultaneous phone calls to respective friends. They tell them about their new romances. They end their concurrent calls, concurring that they must be in love.

Edward and Gretchen sing Like This (adapted from a poem by Rumi). They lie together. Fade to black.

Phist makes a cynical comment about the blossoming love affair and assures the audience that things will change… right after Intermission.

Synopsis – ACT 2

Edward writes a note and slips away from Gretchen’s apartment. Soon, Gretchen wakes and reads the note. She sings Cloud Nine and Seventh Heaven and joyfully dances around her apartment.

Illustration from The Highwayman by Set Designer Murray Kimber

Illustration from The Highwayman by Set Designer Murray Kimber

Unexpectedly, Peg arrives to set the record straight about Freddie. Gretchen tries to postpone the discussion, but Peg hands her three disturbing photos of Freddie. Peg found them after Freddie moved out, and thought that Gretchen should see them.

As Peg leaves, Edward returns with a bag of groceries. He can’t explain the photos, and, the more he tries, the more he obfuscates the situation. He denies that ever did such depraved things, yet admits that it is him in the photos. Gretchen tells him to get out.


Edward rehearses a melancholy jazz ballad called Slightly Fatal Bliss.


Phist tells him his fans won’t like it because they want something upbeat.


The relationship with his manager has become strained. Edward repeatedly cancels shows and Phist threatens to find a new front man. Edward says he wants to tell Gretchen everything. Phist sings Secrets, warning Edward to keep his mouth shut or he will crash and burn.


Gretchen completes the song, wondering who Freddie really is. She sends two of his notes to a handwriting analyst.

Freddie continues to deteriorate. Phist goads him for his drunkenness and cajoles him to perform that night.

Linsay Clague, Bessie Wapp, Stelio Calagias and Doug Jamieson at Workshop – May 2017

While he is getting ready, Phist resolves to end the Deal. He intercepts a message from Gretchen who now knows that Freddie’s signatures don’t match. Phist considers his move. He chuckles and rapidly edits the voicemail, making it appear that Gretchen is about to kill herself at the Stickland Bridge. He puts Plan “D” in action. When Freddie hears the edited message, he makes a Mad Dash to the Bridge:


From The Highwayman by Set Designer Murray Kimber

At the bridge, Edward tries to push Gretchen out of the path of an erratically-driven vehicle, but is struck himself. Michaela and her paramedics take Edward away in the ambulance.

 

At the hospital, Phist makes some empty statements to the press. Edward is attached to monitors that flash and beep. As Phist leaves, he bumps into Michaela and smirks.


Michaela freezes time in Edward’s room. The monitors and lights no longer beep and flash. Edward sits up, climbs out of bed, and experiences a nightmarish near-death experience. He is surrounded by Dust-Eaters, souls in limbo.

Phist informs Edward that he will join them soon. After Phist leaves, Michaela she tells Edward not to lose hope and to begin his recovery. He leaves and Michaela sings Scattered Grace:


Michaela dons a Stetson and exits the realm of the Dust-Eaters.


Activity resumes in the hospital room. Once again, nurses move and monitors beep and flash. Michaela gives Gretchen some encouragement, and then she asks Peg to sing at an event she is planning.


Questionable taste in the new art at Fastlane Productions

Phist arrives at work to see the sign being changed. ‘Fastlane! Raise a Little Hell Dude!’ is now ‘Hop on the Fastlane to Paradise… Friend’. Phist is outraged to find that he no longer controls the company, due to a hostile takeover. The Fastlane band members now wear suits and impervious smiles and his office has been redecorated with items of questionable taste. Michaela invites Morris to hear Peg, now in full country regalia, sing the title track from the band’s new CD.  The band launches into Fastlane to Paradise.

Phist hates the song and tries to get the band to do some of their past hits. He sings other tunes overtop, but soon gets drawn into the melody of the country tune. Phist performs the last line with a great gospel/blues style and everyone cheers. He basks in the glow for a split second, but snaps out of it. When Michaela thanks him for performing with the band, Phist is aghast to realize he has been duped and Edward has been freed from The Deal.

The band strikes up Happy Diabolic Trails,  as a large hand basket is wheeled in.


Phist reluctantly climbs into the hand basket and leaves in a huff and a puff of smoke, a sulfurous explosion! The band members congratulate each other for a great performance, toss their cowboy hats into a prop trunk, and exit.


Later, Edward and Gretchen are walking on the Stickland Bridge. Edward is hobbling with a crutch and one leg in a cast. They greet Michaela and Peg who walk arm-in-arm. Gretchen learns that ‘Freddie’ was just his stage name. She is worried about Edward being able to play again. He tells her that crutches should never hold you back and sings Stay Alive. Edward does an energetic, athletic dance, spinning on his crutch. Gretchen, Michaela and Peg join in.

Phist advises the audience that he’s returned to a profession where he wrote many of the details. He meets an earnest young man articling at his firm, to whom Phist is about to offer the Deal of a Lifetime.

Edward, Gretchen, Phist, Michaela, and Peg sing Life Can Go On.

The Chorus joins in as day-to-day activity returns to the Strickland Bridge. Life does go on.

Fin

Copyright Doug Jamieson © 2018

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A Chopped Up Tale

I wrote a suite for a puppet theatre company in Toronto called the Crankee Consort. It was created and directed by Larry Lewis and Jane Low-Beer. My suite used numerous fiddle tunes as a resource. The instrumentation was classical guitar, violin, accordion and double bass.

A guitar solo from this suite was published by the Royal Conservatory of Music in their Grade V method book. The following is a recording from the original production, featuring Larry Lewis on guitar:

La belle jarretiere verte:

 

Here are the other tunes, more or less in the order they appeared. The performers in the recordings are Larry Lewis, guitar; Joe Macerollo, accordion; Ann Lederman, violin; and a double bass player whose name escapes me.:

Two woodsmen were chopping in the bitter cold. By mistake, one chops off his partner’s head. He uses snow to freeze the head back on. To take his friend’s mind off his troubles, he tells him the story of Ti-Jean.

Overture (This track is missing the guitar which was played live, like a Music Minus-One.):

 

Transition with Fiddle and Step Dancing:

 

Travelling Music, as Ti-Jean sets out on his adventure:

 

Old Man; music for the villain of the story. He has three daughters. If Ti-Jean can perform the task the Old Man sets for him, he can choose one of the daughters for his wife. If not, he will lose his head!:

 

Ti-Jean is about to leave, rather than risk his life. But… he sees the beautiful daughter known as La Belle Jarretiere Verte (The Beautiful Green Garter), and he falls in love:

 

Ti-Jean’s task is to retrieve some golden eggs that are much too high to reach. La Belle helps Ti-Jean with his task. She instructs Ti-Jean to make a ladder out her bones, after he cooks her in a pot. (We didn’t make that up. It is a whacky folk tale!) Next, Ti-Jean uses the ladder to climb up and reach the eggs. The tune was called Ladder Up:

 

Ti-Jean now must reassemble her bones to bring La Belle back to life. I used a variation on the tune Them Dry Bones to set up the dialogue that follows:

 

La Belle appears as beautiful as before, and once again, we hear her theme:

 

The Old Man is angry that Ti-Jean succeeded and furiously chases him  as he and La Belle try to get away. The Old Man transforms himself into a storm cloud, but La Belle becomes a white bird and Ti-Jean rides her to safety. Then the Old Man becomes a bird of prey, and La Belle turns her self into a wheat field, with Ti-Jean pretending to be a farmer harvesting his wheat. Then the Old Man becomes a huge red combine, a demonic harvesting machine, but La Belle becomes a lake and the combine sinks. At the end of the chase,  the Old Man emerges from the lake sputtering.:

 

After surviving the various threats, La Belle and Ti-Jean are married:

 

Later in the tale, there is a scene with a King and a Royal Fanfare was needed:

 

Eventually, the tale of Ti-Jean ends. The two Woodsmen each take a deep bow – one removing his hat, the other his head – and they exit to the music of the Finale:

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Jorinda

The opera Jorinda has its own website  which you can visit by clicking here.

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