Category Archives: Script – scenes 7, 8 & 9

Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 7, 8 & 9

Scene 7 – Why?
Bert’s Place

Bert is dejected. He is mucking about his ‘lab’ but is not enthusiastic about inventing anymore. He has lost Betty and his big invention is causing mass destruction. Bert sings a Platters-like song with male back-up vocals doing the “oo’s” and the “wha-wha-wha-wha’s”:

Why?  (no demo yet)
Bert and Betty’s Mom

Why?
Tell me why did I
Think that I was just the cleverest guy?
Now that Betty’s gone and left me
My heart just wants to die
Like a fool, I keep on asking “Why?”

Betty, my darling [spoken over back vocals]
You have gone away
And I may never see you again
And my big idea
Turned out to be a whole lot of junk food!
Is this the way my life will end?
Will my last days be all alone, filled with shame, down at rock bottom, without a friend, up that creek without a paddle… always wondering:

Betty’s mom enters unobserved by Bert.

Why?
Tell me why did I
Think that I should even bother to try?
Every plan had such promise
But all went awry
Like a fool, I keep on asking “Why?”

Background vocals continue.

BM: You’re right, Bert.
Bert: Betty’s Mom!
BM: You’re right, Bert. You are a fool!
Bert: What do you mean?
BM: We’re all shook up. We lost our grazing lands thanks to your bright idea!
Bert: Yes, I heard.
BM: Though I must say those donuts are very yummy. All that sugar… and honey, honey… But we can’t live on junk food alone!
Bert: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…
BM: And that’s not all. While you ‘frittered’ away your time, my dear Betty became a wild thing, a run-run-runaway! She took off with the leader of the pack to a town without pity!
Bert: Oh no.
BM: I told her, “Baby, baby, it’s a wild world that’s been the ruin of many a poor girl!”
Bert: Oh dear.
BM: But she wouldn’t listen. She said, “Mom, it’s now or never.”
Bert: Gosh.
BM: And that’s not all.
Bert: There’s more?
BM: She is working at the Big Bang Club!
Bert: Oh! That’s terrible.
BM: That place is like the eve of destruction: nothing but bad eggs, junk food and rock and roll!
Bert: Maybe she’ll come back! Maybe she’ll just walk right in?
BM: That’ll be the day! And that’s not all.
Bert: There’s more?
BM: The only reason she left was because she was tired of waiting for you-oo-oo.
Bert:For me?
BM: Only you.
Bert: See what a fool I’ve been!
BM: Were you ever! And it makes me wonder:

BM: [sings] Why?
Why do you sit and sigh?
Are you really such a dud of a guy?
When you know that she loves you
You really must try
Only a fool would keep on asking “Why?”

BM: Bert,
You know it never is too late
To go and find your long-lost sweetie-pie
And Bert
If you’d just ask her for a date
I know you’d both be happy
As time goes by

Bert: Yes, Betty’s Mom
That would be great
I could try
Yes, Betty’s Mom
I can hardly wait
As time goes by

Bert: Which leads me to:
Why?
Tell me why did I?
Think that I shouldn’t give it a try?

I’ll be back with my Betty
For one last goodbye

Yes, Bert?
Did what, Bert?
Cause you’re a dud of a guy!
I hope so!
Goodbye

Both: To that foolish guy who
Keeps on asking “Why?”
To that foolish guy who
Keeps on asking “Why?”
Why, why, why, why, why?

Bert: Thanks Betty’s Mom.
BM: Just send my baby back home to me.
Bert: I will Betty’s Mom.
BM: Remember Bert, she loves you.
Bert: She loves me?
BM: And you know that can’t be bad.

Betty’s Mom exits.

Bert: Wow. She’s so… retro.

Bert exits.

Scene 8
The Big Bang Club

The Big Bang Club is notorious. Creatures come here for escapism, trouble or just to O.D. on donuts. An advertisement with a picture of donuts, says: “Chicxulubbers love them!” The band is playing a light jazz tune. Some creatures are dancing. Spinner takes the vintage microphone and sings. Part of the accompaniment involves musicians conducting/bonking other creatures and getting them to emit strange sounds.

Do the Continental Drift
Spinner

Do the continental if you catch my drift
Shift your tectonic plate
Rearrange the planet, give those mountains a lift
Soon the world will feel just great!

If there is erosion on your favourite coast
From the ravages of time
Miracles can happen, and we don’t like to boast
But we can make it look just fine!

Do the continental if you catch my drift
I can see a change of luck
All your sagging spirits will be getting a lift
With a little nip and tuck
All the same-old-same-old can become such a bore
Surely you crave escape?
Try our glacier treatment and you’ll come back for more
After just a little scrape

Think how you’ll be feeling
Why not let the fun begin?
Heavenly bodies will be reeling
When you take your new planet out for a spin!

Do the continental if you catch my drift
We call it nature’s gift
So scrape away the valleys, give those mountains a lift
And do the continental
(It’s all so incidental!)
Yes do the continental
(You’ll find it monumental!)
When you do the continental drift!

Spin: Thank you very much. And right now ladies and gentlemen, the one you’ve all been waiting for! That lithe lizard with the smoldering voice that’s driven many a rex to ruin. That’s right folks, tonight, right here on our stage, live at the Big Bang Club, she’s back, just for you, to sing her megaton smash disco hit: Chow Down! So, put your limbs together! Give it up! For….the one…the only… Bamboloni!!!

Betty enters, quite transformed. She is heavier, has a bleach-blond wig, and is decked out in a costume resembling a honey-dip with sprinkles. Later, during her song, Bert enters. He looks for Betty, but doesn’t recognize her.

Chow Down
Betty

Listen mister if you want some fun
When the day is done
Let me tell you, honey, I’m the one
To make the boredom run!

All this skinny stuff can be so tragic
Where’s the meat on the bone?
If you want to feel a little magic
Then make me all your own!

Chorus: Chow Down!
Everything is chewy
Chow Down!
Want to sink my teeth in you-ie
Chow Down!
Come-a be my love-bite tonight

Listen mister if you want to burn
I can light your fire
Honey, you are just about to learn
I can take you higher

If you hunger, if you feel that craving
That tummy rumble sound
There’s no need for you to go stark raving
I got more pound for pound
Oo baby!

[Chorus]

Bridge:
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Oo! Oh! Ah…
Come-a see me tonight!
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Oo! Oh! Ah…
Come-a be my love-bite!

[Chorus: twice]

Coda:
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight
Come-a come-a come-a come-a
Be my love-bite tonight!

Towards the end of the song, Betty is working the room, flirting with the customers, repeating the last lines of the song. The background singers wail on.

Looking for something sweet and round, fella?
Want a tip?
Get yourself a honey dip!

So, Rexie, life a bit of a bore?
Let me tell you less is never more!
Go for it, big fella!

Bert, meanwhile, continues to look for Betty in the club, still unaware that Bamboloni and Betty are one and the same. Then they come face to face.

Betty: Bert! What are you doing here?
Bert: Betty? Is that you?

Betty is flustered as Bert tries to talk to her while she sings.

Bert: Betty, I’ve come to take you home!
Betty: Go away! Come-a come-a come-a come-a– Not you! Just go away!
Bert: But Betty, your mom misses you! I miss you!
Betty: Go away! For your own good! Come-a come-a come-a come-a Be my love-bite tonight! Not you! Go away!

Bert makes a commotion, and the Tarsands Boys surround him. They are brandishing teeth, claws and spiky tail. Betty intervenes while trying to sing her song and tells them to escort Bert outside.

Betty: Don’t be too rough boys (and girl). Just show this deluded creature the door.

The Tarsands Boys pick Bert up and are about to throw him out the door, when time stands still and the music is held on a sustained note for a couple of seconds:

Bert: Betty, I love you!

Betty hesitates, but then the music resumes, the Tarsands Boys toss Bert out the door and Betty finishes the last line of her song.

Betty: Come-a be my love-bite tonight!

Scene 9
Egging On (Bert’s place)

Back at home, Bert is licking his wounds for the failed attempt to get Betty from a life of bad eggs, junk food and rock ‘n roll.

I Wouldn’t Take Her Back!
Bert

Now I have had it up to here with love
It’s such a losing game
And I won’t shed another tear for love
And have myself to blame

Those sweet things she would say
Then knock me flat!
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact
I wouldn’t take her back!

That creature put me through the mill of love
And left me high and dry
With one cool kiss she put the chill in love
And now I wonder why

I gave my heart away
Got nothing back
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact
I wouldn’t take her back!

We made our promises
Two would be one
So much for promises
When all was said, it was done

I thought I knew
Her love was true
And always would be mine
The joke’s on me
I couldn’t see
That we were out of time–
How could I be so blind?

Now I have had it up to here with love
It’s such a losing game
And I won’t shed another tear for love
And always have myself to blame

Those sweet things she would say
Then knock me flat!
If she were here today
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you
I tell you it’s a fact…

At a big pause in the song, Betty enters quickly. Just as quickly, Bert changes his mind.

Betty: Bert, I love you!
Bert: [sings:] I just might take her back!
Bert: Betty, you came back. (spoken over back-vocal 1-6-4-5 crooning)
Betty: I quit my job at that awful club. When you told me you loved me, I knew just where I wanted to be.
Bert: Betty, I’m so glad, you’re here. Oh, let’s get hitched!
Betty: Yes Bert. And maybe something will get hatched too…

Betty and Bert
Betty and Bert

Betty: Oh my Bertie
I want to have eggs with you
Bert: Oh my Betty
I want to fertilize them too
Both: All our tomorrows in one happy nest
All our tomorrows so blessed

Bert: Oh my Betty
You are the queen of my heart
Betty: Oh my Bertie
Soon a family we’ll start
Both: All our tomorrows with each rising sun
Till our tomorrows are done

Bert: Oh my Betty
Betty: Oh my Bert
Bert: Love can feel good
Betty: Love can hurt
Both: Love can change two alone into one

Both: They say that we should stick to our own genus
They say a love like ours could never last
But we know just how strong love is between us
And their ideas are fossils from the past

Bert: Whoa-ha-ha-oh-oh
Betty: My Bertie
Bert: My Betty
Both: My love

Betty: Oh my Bertie
I want to have eggs with you
Bert: Oh my Betty
I want to fertilize them too
Both: All our tomorrows with each rising sun
Till our tomorrows are done

Bert: Oh my Betty
Betty: Oh my Bert
Bert: Love can feel good
Betty: Love can hurt
Both: Love can change two alone into one
Love can change two alone into one.

[The following section is in pantomime with some ‘time passing’ quiz show kind of music.]

Time passes… A stage hand rolls an hourglass, in a round frame, across the stage as though the hourglass is doing cartwheels. Bert is reading the paper, smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds up her knitting for Bert to admire. Bert begins to putter around with the parts for a baby carriage. A feathery milkman delivers fresh milk, picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Time passes… Again the stage hand moves the hourglass across the stage. Bert is still reading the paper and smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds it up and it is getting long. More quickly: A winged and feathery milkman delivers fresh milk, picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Time passes… Again… Bert is still reading the paper and smoking his pipe; Betty is knitting. She holds it up and it is getting really long. Again, Betty reminds Bert about working on the baby carriage. The wheels of the carriage are large honey-dip donuts. He resumes his work but suddenly Betty has a contraction. Bert runs offstage and returns with a midwife. Betty and the midwife exit behind a screen at the back of the stage. More quickly: A winged and feathery milkman delivers fresh milk and picks up empties. A paper boy drops off the current edition.

Bert is pacing. He pulls a small hockey stick lovingly from out of the carriage. He paces some more. He holds up a miniature Maple Leaf jersey.

Bert: Yeah, it does seem like 65 million years since they won the cup.

Finally, the midwife and Betty reappear. Betty is holding a bundle. She hands the bundle to Bert. It’s an egg and he looks at it quizzically. She motions for him to put the egg in the nest. She points to his derriere and then the nest to indicate that he is to keep it warm. Then Betty and the midwife leave, obviously ready to celebrate. Bert sits atop the egg with his pipe and paper.

Time passes… Bert is sitting on the egg, smoking his pipe and reading the paper. Betty continues to knit the same thing, making it longer and longer. Then Bert feels something move in the egg beneath him.

Bert: Betty! Betty!
Betty: What is it Bert?
Bert: Our egg! I think it’s going to hatch!
Betty: Oh, this is exciting!

The egg hatches, and a little winged dinosaur comes out. Bert is a little taken aback by the birdlike features of the archaeopteryx. The intro music to the song begins.

Betty: Oh Bert isn’t he cute?
Bert: Well, he’s different.
Betty: Oh Bert he’s adorable!
Bert: Are you sure we hatched the right egg?
Betty: Oh Bert, don’t be silly. Of course, it’s our egg!
Bert: It’s just that I was expecting him to look a little different… more like you or me.

Evolution Gets It Right
Betty and Bert

Betty: He’s got your eyes, dear
Bert: But where’d he get those wings?
Betty: Aren’t you glad he flies, dear?
Bert: But that’s not everything:
He’s got a pointy beak and lots of tiny teeth
Betty: Forget about appearances, there’s so much underneath

Betty: He’s got your brains, dear
Bert: You mean I’ve got the brains of a bird? (Betty smiles and nods.)
Betty: But it remains clear
Bert: That this whole thing is absurd
How can he swing a bat or pick up things to eat?
Betty: But just think how he’ll fly around and do stuff with his feet
Bert: Ahh…

Both: Evolution gets it right
It just takes a little time
Natural selection will see the light
And everything will turn out fine
Bert: But are you sure he’s mine?

Betty: He’s got your eyes, dear!
Bert: You said that one before
Betty: He’s such a healthy size, dear!
Bert: But there must be something more!
When other babies gurgle, ours makes a chirping sound
Betty: But feel how soft and warm he is, instead of scales there’s down

Both: Evolution gets it right
It just takes a little time
Natural selection will see the light
And everything will turn out fine
Bert: I hope you’re right!
Both: And everything will turn out fine
Bert: If he sleeps through the night!
Both: Yes everything will turn out fine.

Betty: Oh look. He smiled at you.
Bert: Are you sure that wasn’t just gas?
Baby: [belch!]
Betty: Let’s take him for a stroll.
Bert: Oh, alright.
Betty: See the lovely carriage your daddy made for you
Baby: Chirp, chirp, chomp…
Bert: Hey, don’t eat those wheels, you little brat!
Baby: Yum. Chirp, chirp, yum…
Betty: He’s so cute!
Bert: Harrumph…

They exit with Archie, the baby bird, trying to nibble the honey-dip donut wheels of the carriage and Bert trying to prevent him.

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