Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 10, 11 & 12

Scene 10 Board Meeting
Chow Down Head Office

Poppa Tops, President & CEO, and all the VP’s, including Premier Hoodwink, are sitting around the stone slab table. PT convenes the meeting.

PT: Alright. Spinner, let’s get this meeting underway.
Spin: Welcome to the second Annual General Meeting of Chow Down Corporation for the year 64 million, 998 thousand, and one BC. The minutes from the last meeting of the year 64 million, 998 thousand, and two BC were distributed to all directors. Are there any corrections or?
PT: Cut the nonsense! I got other things to do. [He has Madge from the Stonettes hanging on his arm.] I just want to know how Chow Down corporation is doing. Let’s have the reports. Adder, let’s start with you.

Adder puts a chart on an easel. The heading is ‘Market Research’. The graph shows a steadily climbing line.

Adder: We’ve got great news, PT. We conducted our market research survey – in record time, I might add – and found that Chow Down’s market share has been climbing steadily to the point where 95% of the population are Chow Down customers.
PT: Brilliant! Excellent report Adder! Great work, Team!
Adder: Thanks, PT.
PT: Remind me later to offer you a promotion. And now, let’s here from the sales department. Give us your report, Scalar.

Scalar goes to the easel and takes the same chart but turns it end-to-end and upside down so that the graph now shows a steady decline. The old heading is upside down on the bottom and the new heading is ‘Sales’.

Scalar: Our report takes a somewhat cautionary note. It appears that there’s been a correction in the market. Our projections at this point indicate that sales are down.
PT: Down? How far down?
Scalar: Oh… about 95%.
PT: What??? What’s this all about? How can you have 95% market share and a 95% decline in sales???
Scalar: It’s because there isn’t any market. The population is rapidly declining.
PT: What’s going on, here?
Adder: He’s right, PT. We were able to conduct our last market research survey in record time because there were almost no dinosaurs to interview. But, let me say again, our key message is that 95% of those interviewed are loyal Chow Down customers.
PT: Oh, shut up! What’s happening to all our customers? Where are they going? Is there a competitor (pugnaciously and the TSBs get excited)?
Scalar: No, there’s just our company in the market.
PT: Whew. But what’s happening to the population? Don’t those dumb lizards lay eggs anymore?
Scalar: Yes, but they need to eat more than donuts. The problem is that there are no forests for them to graze in.
PT: Why is that?
Spin: Remember, PT, you got us to clear all the forests?
PT: Right. But we needed that land to produce the donuts. But what about the carnivores? They don’t need to graze in the forests!
Scalar: But they eat the herbivores and, without the forest, they’re running out of food too.
PT: Oh, right… So let’s plant some trees. Make a new forest!
Spinner: Brilliant! That would be great PR, PT.
Adder: I can see the campaign, now! Chow Down plants trees, helping to feed hungry herbivores. The carnivores would love it too. We could launch it with?
Scalar: Wait a minute! We need that land for the factories. That’s why we took it in the first place.
Adder: What? Oh yeah.
PT: Let me get this straight. If we give back the land, we can’t make as many donuts and we lose customers. Right?
Scalar: That’s right, PT.
PT: On the other hand, if we keep the land, we can make lots of donuts, but there won’t be any dinosaurs to eat them and we lose customers. Right?
Scalar: Right again, PT.
PT: So whatever we do, we lose customers. Right?
Spinner: Brilliantly put!
Adder: You’ve nailed it, PT!
PT: Humph!…
Hmmm… Then the choice is clear. We give our esteemed directors a generous severance package, liquidate the company, and declare bankruptcy.

All start protesting and talking at once.

Spinner: Oh no. We can’t do that! Think of how it will look. How would we ever position that one?
Adder: What? No, no, not that! Our ad campaign, what would happen to it? That would be terrible!
Scalar: Bankruptcy! We can’t do that! Think of the bottom line! It would be a disaster! Financial ruin!
PT: Boys! Boys! You’re missing the point. A little bankruptcy can be a beautiful thing. Maestro, a “B7” please…

Owed to Bankruptcy
Poppa Tops

PT: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

The buck? We’re going to pass it
And kick them in the asset
They’ll all be seeing stars
Because of Bankruptcy

All: They’ll all be seeing stars
Because of Bankruptcy

PT: So what if all our creditors
Will have to take a dive?
In business, as in Darwin,
It’s the fittest that survive

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

Spin: And all this corporate clean-up?
Rip: We talked but didn’t mean it
Ugh: Yet no one’s behind bars
Steg: All thanks to Bankruptcy

All: Yet no one’s behind bars
All thanks to Bankruptcy

PT: Now ‘lizard eat lizard’ is the winning attitude
So keep the big guys happy, let the little guys get chewed!

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy

Premier: This planet is a mess-up
You think we need to fess up?
We’ll leave the mess behind
And declare Bankruptcy

All: We’ll leave the mess behind
And declare Bankruptcy

PT: [spoken] One more time, boys!

All: For covering your assets
The very best of facets
Is such a lovely farce
That we call Bankruptcy!

All laugh conspiratorially as though sharing an ‘in’ joke.

PT: Well boys… corporation dissolved and meeting adjourned!

All exit in good spirits.

Scene 11
Sky’s the Limit – Outside

Final Finale Part 1

A driving, insistent, rock beat begins. The volcano is heating up and the sky is darkened by storm clouds. There is much chaos and violence. Throughout the scene, characters enter and exit the stage in panic and distress. Sometimes they fight over a box of donuts; some are pursued; others are in pursuit. Enter Premier & entourage with a sign: “RE-ERECT PREMIER HOODWINK”

Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan! Judgment Day has arrived. Today you cast your vote and choose the leader who will take you bravely into a future of prosperity.
Assistant: They don’t seem to be paying attention, Your Worship.
Hoodwink: As your Premier, I will continue to take real action against violence [someone screams as they get assaulted]; I will end political corruption [someone slips him some money which he pockets]; and I promise you a secure future for you and your families [volcano spurts].
Denizens of Yucatan will continue to have lots to eat and herbivores may safely graze?
Assistant: Excuse me. That’s the old speech sir.
Hoodwink: What? Oh right. Denizens of Yucatan, you have enjoyed an unequaled standard of living thanks to the magnanimity of Chow Down Corp. Now we are boldly entering an era of exciting new opportunities. And who is better suited to lead you into this golden age?… I ask you who is better suited to lead you into a glorious future?… I ask you? They’re not responding. What’s wrong with these stupid lizards?
Assistant: There’s no food and no jobs, sir. Riots are breaking out everywhere.
Hoodwink: Denizens, remember the good thing about things being bad is that things can only get better! It can’t get any worse, so look forward to a brighter future.
Dinos: “Down with Chow Down!” “Boo!” “Down with Premier Hoodwink!”

A Whole Lot Worse! an up-tempo downer
Premier, various solos and chorus

TBA_1: Our grazing lands are factories
The food they made was junk!
But then those plants went belly up
And now we smell a skunk!

TBA_2: And all we do is fight it out
Or stand around and curse
And if you think that this is bad
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can, can, can

Betty: The streets are filled with violence
The dam’s about to burst!
The volcano’s going to blow its top
How can it get much worse?

Hoodwink: Forget this talk of doom and gloom
And listen to me first
I tell you now there is no way
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Cause it just can’t!
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no, it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Hoodwink: No, no, it can’t
Chorus: Oh yes it can
Oh yes it can, can, can

Bert: And bugs are spreading pestilence
They swarm and make us curse
And many will grow sick and die
But here’s the very worst:

All stop and listen.

The sky will fall and end it all
And that’s the final verse
That asteroid tops all the rest
It’s gonna get a whole lot worse!

Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can
Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can
Others: No, no it can’t
Bert: Oh yes it can, can, can
Great Balls of Fire!
Others: Oh no!

The denizens exit, leaving Bert and Bettie alone. Bert, in mime, says goodbye to Betty. She exits. Poppa Tops, Premier Hoodwink and Spinner enter. Bert avoids them and goes behind a rock for a nap.

Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan, today is Election Day and we all must do our civic duty.
Dinos: [More unruly shouting. Some denizens exit.]
Hoodwink: Good denizens! Remember, a vote for Hoodwink is a vote for a kinder, gentler place, a community where all may live in peace and harmony?
PT: Save it Hoodwink.
Premier: What?
PT: Save your breath. You’re already elected. My boys just gave you a landslide victory. Congratulations. Besides, none of these lizards are listening to all that garbage.
Hoodwink: Oh. Uh… Denizens of Yucatan, I thank you for this overwhelming victory. I pledge to lead?
PT: Enough, already. We need you to make an announcement, to issue a proclamation.
Hoodwink: Uh, sure PT. What would you like me to proclaim?
PT: Too many of these stupid lizards are clearing out of Yucatan. I want it to stop. From this point on, no one is allowed to leave Yucatan.
Hoodwink: OK, PT. But why do want them to stay?
PT: We need all the bodies we can get?especially the feathered ones. We need customers for my next business.
Hoodwink: What business is that?
PT: Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx!

Bert sits up suddenly.

PT: You know all those new feathered, flying dinosaurs? Turns out they taste pretty damn good barbecued.
Hoodwink: You don’t say?
PT: Especially when they’re basted with Poppa Tops own secret recipe! You thought donuts were big? Wait till Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx hits the market. POW!
Hoodwink: But how are these creatures going to pay? Will there be enough jobs for everyone?
PT: Hell no. We learned our lesson with donuts. Nonetheless, Yucatan-Fried Achaeopteryx will be a guaranteed success…thanks to Government subsidies. Look around. Don’t you think the economy needs some stimulus?
Hoodwink: Yeah, I suppose it does.
PT: Well, that’s where you come in! First, issue the proclamation that no denizen is allowed to leave Yucatan or #@$%! [slitting throat gesture]. Go ahead. Do it.
Hoodwink: OK. Here goes: Denizens of Yucatan! Here Ye! Here Ye! I hereby proclaim that no creature is allowed to leave the land of Yucatan. Anyone found trying to cross the border will be executed! [denizens groan] But do not despair! That leading citizen, Poppa Tops, will soon be announcing a new business. Prosperity will return to Yucatan once more. But remember, you try to leave and you’re dead meat!

The remaining denizens exit confused and grumbling.

PT: Good enough. Now let’s go draw up some legislation for a really big stimulus package!
Premier: What’s a stimulus package?
Premier: I’ll tell you all about it over dinner. And, dinner’s on me tonight. I bet you can guess what we’re having? Ha-ha-ha. Yucatan-Fried Archaeopteryx! Made with Poppa Tops own secret recipe!
TSB’s: Yum!

PT, Premier, assistant & TSB’s exit. Bert come out from behind the rock.

Final Finale Part 2

Instrumental music resumes. Again, various creatures enter and exit in panic and distress, sometimes fighting over a box of donuts. Rip and Bron enter and grab an innocent archaeopteryx and drag her away. Ugh and Steggy enter and grab another and exit. Bert observes this in terror.

Bert: I’ve got to get the kids out of here! Where are they?

Betty and the kids enter.

Betty: Bert!
Bert: Betty! Archie, Trixie, Obie! I’m so glad you’re all OK.
Betty: What’s happening Bert?
Bert: It’s chaos. Mobs are ruling the streets. And now Poppa Tops has started a new business. [Bert whispers to Betty]
Betty: Yucatan-Fried what? Oh no! What are we going to do?
Bert: Kids, you’re go… uh…we’re going to leave Yucatan right away.
Betty: Yes. You leave first and we’ll catch up later.
Archie: We don’t want to go without you!
Trixie: No.
Obie: We’ll wait for you.
Betty: No, no, you must leave now. With your wings, you can reach a better place more quickly.
Bert: Fly westward across the mountains and don’t stop until you find a new valley. We’ll follow.
Betty: And don’t look back.
Trixie: I don’t want to go!
Betty: You all must be brave and find a new life – with or without us.
Bert: There’s too much danger here in Yucatan.
Obie: But why?
Betty: It has to be!
Bert: Remember what we’ve always told you? How some things are written in the stars?
Trixie: I remember.
Betty: Think of that now. Remember that song we sang?
Trixie: I do.

The relentless music does relent and the kids sing a more anthem-like song about their destinies. Bert and Betty and the other creatures, during a few moments of calm, join in as a choir. Trixie sings verse 1; Obie sings verse 2 with the other two singing harmony. The company enters on the bridge.

Written in the Stars
Trixie, Obie, Archie and Company

There are those things written in the stars
There are actors on the stage
And all will play their parts
There’s a tale, the telling must be told
Though we linger on the page
Where young become the old
And we all must find our light
And know our lines by heart
As we play what’s written in the stars

There is music playing in the spheres
When the night is soft and still
We find it in our ears
And we know which part to harmonize
And we add a turn or trill
And freely improvise
But the lines may take us from
The song we long to hear
As we play the music in the spheres

Can the record of this life
Be all but the smallest grain of sand?
Can the moments of such strife
Be buried in barren land?
There must be more!
So little we understand

How can all our hopes and dreams,
The promise of life we feel in birth,
Be no more than hopeless schemes
Erased from the face of earth?

So with love, only love
All we be, all we are
We will write what’s written in our star
We will write what’s written in our star

When I hear that music from afar
Then I know that love is all
We write… upon a star.

An eruption from the volcano shocks everyone into action and the driving music returns. Other creatures become panicky once again and exit leaving Bert, Betty and their kids on stage alone.

Betty: Go now, kids
Bert: There’s no time to lose.
Archie: I guess we better go.
Trixie: Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad.
Obie: Goodbye.
Betty: Go now, kids
Bert: Don’t forget. Over the mountains and don’t stop until you find the new green valley.
Archie: Goodbye.

They watch the kids fly off.

Betty: They are strong flyers, Bert.
Bert: I still don’t know how they got those wings. [flapping his arms, hopping up and down. Shakes his head in confusion.] I can’t do that.
Betty: We’d better go too.
Bert: Betty, I don’t think we’ll have time to get out of this valley.
Betty: Let them try and stop us! That stupid proclamation won’t stop us!
Bert: There’s another problem. Look up there.
Betty: What is that?
Bert: I don’t know exactly, but it is getting larger by the minute. I’ve been watching it for quite a while and I’m afraid it’s coming this way.
Betty: Oh.

Rip enters quickly, followed by Bron. Rip has a coiled up vine intended for tying up the kids.

Rip: All right you two, where are those kids of yours?
Betty: They’re on their way home. Why?
Rip: Well the Premier and Poppa Tops wants your entire family to come right now…uh…for dinner. [Rip realizes the vine/rope is a giveaway so he tosses it behind him.]
Bron: Oh…oh…look, Rip, pretty flying things.
Rip: What? Why those are your kids! Don’t you know that no creatures are allowed to leave Yucatan! Get them to turn around and come back.
Bert: I’ve been trying to, but – you know kids – they never listen. Maybe you could call them?
Rip: Smart guy! I’m not going to call them. I’m going to bring them down.

Rip prepares to take off. Betty delays him while Bert ties the vine around Rip’s foot. He lifts up one of Bron’s front feet and puts it on top of the other end.

Betty: Wait a minute, Rip. They’re not leaving Yucatan. They’re just sight-seeing.
Rip: Get out of my way!
Betty: Look. I think they’re starting to turn back.
Rip: Ha! You can’t fool me! I said get out of my way! Here I go!

Rip makes his sputtering noises as he revs up. He runs off stage left as though tearing down a runway. The coil of rope is pulled off stage, gets taut, and there is a slide whistle descent, a scream and a crashing noise.

Bert: Bron, I think your pal Rip just went over the cliff. You better go see how he is.
Bron: Oh, yeah, you’re right. [lumbering to stage left] Hey Rip! You OK?
Rip: [from off stage, far away] No! I’m not OK! Get me up from here!
Bron: What was that?
Rip: I said I’m not OK– Bron! Don’t lean over the edge!
Bron: What did you say?
Rip: I said don’t lean over the edge!
Bron: Lean over the what? Whoa!
Rip: Bron! Stop! Stop!
Bron: Whoops! This slope sure is slippery! Rip, I’m coming down.
Rip: Aaah! Stop! Stop!
Bron: Whoooooaaaaaa!

There is another descending sound and an even louder crash followed by a crunch.

Bert: Ooo…right on top of him. What a mess!
Betty: Bert, we better get out of here!
Bert: Look at the kids. They are almost over the mountains. Can you see them?
Betty: Yes. But it’s getting harder…
Bert: I can just make them out. They are almost past the peaks…
Betty: Ah! They made it!
Bert: Oh yes! They’re gone…just in time…

Final Finale Part 3

The relentless music resumes. Enter Poppa Tops, Spinner, Ugh and Steg. The end of this track is the transition to Scene 12, when the characters return to  fossils in the Museum.

PT: What’s going on? Where are Rip and Bron? They were supposed to bring your… uh, you and your lovely children – to dinner.
Bert: Maybe they got lost?
Betty: Yeah. They probably took a wrong turn.
PT: Hmm. It’s not like them to do that.
Spinner: Hey Boss. Look at this! [Following the tracks] Look down there!
PT: Yech! What a mess! Now… you two are going to pay for this! “A wrong turn!” was it? Huh!
Betty: Rip just had a bit of an accident.
Bert: And Bron tried to help.
PT: Enough of this. Grab those two!
Bert: Forget it, Tops. You’re never going to get your Yucatan-Fried Archaeopteryx idea off the ground.
PT: Who told you about that? [looks at his accomplices who try to look innocent] Well, what’s going to stop me?
Betty: That! [pointing heavenward]
PT: What is that?
Betty: It’s really, really big and it’s coming right at you!
PT: Is she right? What’s going on here, Brainosaurus?
Bert: She’s right. It’s a great ball of fire and it is heading right at you.
Ugh: Gosh!
Spin: They might be right, boss! I think it is coming this way!
Steg: Holy Tarsands! What are we going to do PT?
PT: I’m thinking. I’m thinking. Boys…and girl…uh…we better be going. Let’s get to my cave right away. We’ll take care of these two later.
Bert: Yeah! You better get to your cave right away!
PT: What’s that noise? Let’s get out of here! [Starts to exit…accomplices scream]
Bert: Betty… [Bert reaches his arm up towards her]
Betty: Bert… [Betty does likewise, assuming the pose of the fossilized pair]

Before Poppa Tops and his entourage can exit, the action freezes at the crescendo of the music. There is a flash of light, a loud chord and then it is suddenly quiet. On a sustained tone, in a frozen dreamlike moment, the dinosaurs move into their original fossil positions. Betty and Bert face each other. The lights slowly dim to the level of the opening scene, recreating the fossils in the rocks. The frenetic Final Finale music becomes quieter and more remote.

Scene 12
Epilogue – A museum

We shift to modern times. The lights get brighter and a mother and father and three children walk through an exhibit of fossils. The kids are animated and point at various exhibits. After a minute – a museum security guard enters, casually.

Guard: Closing time, folks.

The family, except for the smallest child, move across the stage towards the exit. They wait as the child lingers for a few seconds at the Betty-Bert fossil. Then she runs off to join the rest of her family. The family exits. The guard smiles to himself and gently shakes his head, and exits in the opposite direction.

Music ends. Fade to Black…


[The curtain call song is one chorus of “Evolution Gets It Right”, played quickly in the style of The Flintstones theme.]

Copyright © 2018 ~ Doug Jamieson
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