Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 3 & 4

Scene 3
Gravel Pit

Four pachycephalosaurs (bulb-headed creatures) obviously dumb, are busting up rock into gravel with their heads. A sign big sign says: “Bust ‘Em Up Gravel Corp. – Powered by Dino-mite!”


T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
Four pachycephalosaurs


Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re big and dumb and obsolete
Ugh! [head-butt rocks on the ‘ugh’]
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you make a mess just moving your feet

And when you go out shopping
The jaws will all be dropping
When you hit some city street
Ahhhh! (feigning terror)
Oh well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re big and dumb and obsolete

A basic drum beat continues. D4 blows a whistle.

D4: Joke break!
D3: Why did the Brontosaurus devour an entire factory?
D2: I don’t know. Why?
D3: Because she was a plant eater! [all laugh except D2]
D2: I don’t get it!
D1: What do you give a brachiosaurus with an upset tummy?
D2: Hey! You told that yesterday! It was my turn!
D1: Oh, alright.
D2: What do you give a brachiosaurus with an upset tummy?
D1: Plenty of room!
D2: Hey! That’s my line! You’re supposed to say “I don’t know. What?” And then I say—
D4: OK, guys, joke break’s over.

Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re dancin’ and you feel the heat
Ooo!
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When they know that you got four left feet!

Ouch!
Cause when you start to boogie
It’s Godzilla in the movie
And that ain’t dancin’ in the street!
Ahhhh!
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re dancin’ and you feel the heat

D3: OK guys, let’s dance! [instrumental break with ‘You Can Dance’ rhythm]

They do a clumsy, collision-laden, heat-butting dance routine punctuated by the occasional ‘Ugh!’ Then back to more stupid jokes:

D4: Joke break!
D1: Oh! Oh! I got one for you!
Knock, knock.
D2: Who’s there?
D1: T. Rex-Rex
D2: T. Rex-Rex who?
D1: T. Rex wrecks you!

The others growl and pretend to bare their teeth and claws at D2

D2: Hey! That’s not funny!
D3: Oh! How about this one!
Did you hear about the herbivore who sat on a volcano?
D4: No.
D3: ‘Had-a-sore-ass! [all laugh except D2]
D2: I don’t get it!
D4: Oh, we’re bustin’ ‘em up tonight, boys! Joke break’s over.

Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re big and dumb and obsolete
Ugh!
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re trying hard to be discreet

Cause when you go out dining
Oh they really start a-whining
When it’s one price for all-you-can-eat!
Yummm!!!
Well it’s T-T-T-Tough to be a Dinosaur
When you’re big and dumb and ab–
And big and dumb and ab–
And big and dumb and
Absolutely obsolete!!
Cha-cha-cha!

D3: Guys! Guys! I just had a thought!
D1: Whoa! You are using your head today!
D2: What is it? What is it?
D3: Why don’t we smash some more rocks?
D4: Great idea!
D1: That’s using the old noggin!
D2: I can hardly wait!
D4: You go first. [to D2]

They get back to work and are having a great time. They yell ‘yippee’ and run headfirst at the wall of solid rock. But presently, some ominous music signals the entrance of the Tarsands Boys. They come on one at a time: Rip, Ugh, Steggy and eventually Bron.

D3: Oh, oh guys. Looks who’s here!
D2: Yikes!
D4: Try to look busy!
D1: Maybe they’ll go away.
Ugh: You boys working hard?
D3: Oh yeah, oh yeah!
D4: We been busting our, uh, little brains all day long.
D2: Yeah! Just look at all the gravel we made!
Rip: Well don’t let us stop you.
Ugh: C’mon Bron.

Bron the Bruiser

Bron slowly enters to the terror of the workers..

Bron: Who do I squash? Huh?
Steg: Keep busting it up, boys, while we remind you who we are!

A slow & raunchy blues starts.

The Tarsands Boys
Rip, Ugh, Steggy and Bron


All: We are the Tarsands Boys
Steg: (and girl)
All: Don’t go and mess with the mob
Yeah we are the Tarsands Boys
Steg: (and girl)
All: Don’t go and mess with the mob
Cause if you cross the Tarsands
You’re gonna take a little stroll… in the bog!

Rip the Pterror

Bron: Now I’m Big Bron the Bruiser
I’m a heavy, yeah a heavy, just as heavy as a heavy can be [dumbly]
Rip: And they call me Rip the Tearer
I can tear off a strip of your hide so easily
Bron: And it’s like we Tarsands guys always say, uh… uh…
Rip: You’re in a mess if you mess with me!
Bron: Oh yeah. That’s it! That’s what we always say.

Ugh the Thug

Ugh : Now they call me Ugh the Thug
I got jaws and claws to positively make you yell
Steg: And me, I’m Steg the Slasher
And you don’t want to know the tail that I tell [brandishes tail]
Ugh: Cause if you cross the Tarsands
Both: You can kiss it all a fond farewell!

Ugh: Smash those rocks you dodos! [workers head butt rocks at accents]

All: We can crush, we can tear, we can claw you [Stop Time Chorus:]
We got teeth as sharp as a knife
If you try to mess with the Tarsands
You’ll be oo-oo-oo-oozing life!
Cause we’re the Tarsands Boys (and girl)
And we ain’t takin’ no jive
Cause if you cross the Tarsands
There won’t be nothin’ left to revive!

Bron: So what are we here for? Who do I squash? One of those guys?
D1-4: Ahh! [cowering]
Ugh: Nah! The boss just said to meet him at the pit.
Rip: And when Poppa Tops says to meet him, you meet him.
Steg: Something big must be up.
Ugh: Yeah! Something really big!
Bron: I like big.
Ugh: Size matters.
Rip: Hey, here’s the Boss now!
Steg: Yeah, and Spinner’s with him.

Poppa Tops and Spinner enter. Spinner is carrying a new sign.

PT: Well boys, we’re into a whole new line of business. Gravel? It’s the pits. Bust ‘Em Up Gravel Corporation has gone bust. We’re moving into the fast food lane. Put up the sign, Spinner.

Spinner replaces the sign with: “Chow Down Corporation ~ Donuts of Ex-stink-shun!”

Rip: “Chow Down Corporation ~ Donuts of Ex-stink-shun!” What’s that mean?
PT: “Extinction”? You idiot! That’s supposed to be “Dis”-tinction!
Spin: Sorry PT. I’ll fix it right away. [Corrects the sign with a big marker.]
PT: Why am I surrounded by idiots? Don’t answer that.
Bron: Hey Boss, what’s a donut?
PT: A donut? Ah, a donut is a glorious thing. It is round, chewy and sweet. No food value, cheap to make, highly addictive and, boys and girl, donuts are going to make me – ah, us – a fortune! [Music begins and he sings with all the charm of John Ashcroft.] A donut is so glorious, in fact, I can feel a song coming on. Boys, I can see a beautiful future out there just waiting for Chow Down Corporation:

Location, Location, Location
Poppa Tops

I see field after field of tall, waving wheat
And mountains of honeycomb
I see shop after shop on each city street
So conveniently close to home
Location, Location, Location!
[Spoken:] Can’t you just smell those donuts baking boys?” [They look confused.]

I see armies of workers who harvest and grind
I see legions that mix the dough
I see thousands of ovens that bake all the time
From the heat of a volcano
Location, Location, Location!

Far as the eye can see
Will all belong to me
And every creature great and small
Forever at my beck and call

I see millions of customers eager to buy
And all craving something sweet
I see one glorious day when my product line
Is all that there is to eat
Location, Location, Location!

The pachycephalosaurs do one big gravel-busting head butt on the final chord.

PT: Thanks you. Thank you. Now, you bulb-headed pachycephalosaurs, go home. Tomorrow report to the volcano and where you can start head-butting some holes for the ovens.

Gravel pit workers exit saying things like: “Oo that sounds like fun.”, “Hot, hot, hot!”, “We’ll be there!”, “Always getting ahead – ho-ho-ho.” etc. PT shakes his head in disbelief.

PT: C’mon boys (and girl). I got my eye on a cool cave in the City. We’re going to open a night club: The Big Bang Club!
Spin: Just the place to launch the Chow Down brand!
PT: And you geniuses can help negotiate the selling price, if you know what I mean.

[Lots of ignorant laughter as all exit]

Scene 4A
Rocky Patch (Bert’s place)

Bert is working away, trying to invent something. He takes a break to muse.

Rhyme and Reason
Bert

What gives the rhyme a reason?
What makes a new star in the sky?
What brings a changing season?
What makes me stop and wonder why?

All around
The yearning for life runs deep
When the sun goes down
We come to the night to sleep

And to dream again
Of some day to understand
The rhyme and the reason
For such joy and pain
Again and again
But then…

What gives the rhyme a reason?
Why should a seed begin to grow?
How can I let it be when
There is so much I do not know?

All around
The melodies rise and fall
When we hear the sound
We answer the song, the call

And I dream again
Of some day to understand
The rhyme and the reason
For such joy and pain
Again and again

The rhyme and the reason
For our joy and pain
Again and again
And again
But then…

Bert continues mucking about, a log falls across another log, rock like a teeter totter. Bert sits on one end of the tree and is surprised when the other end goes up. (Possibly use of the Also Sprach Shave-and-a-Haircut music.) He scrambles to the other end, sits on it and observes that the first end now goes up. He continues moving from end to end trying to get both ends down. For Bert, it is like whack-a-mole in an amusement park. He is getting frustrated and in a slapstick way tries sneaking up on one end only to see the first one go up. Enter Steg, the moll of the Tarsands Boys. Steg is followed by several males. She sings her Tango while Bert takes a break from his unsuccessful exercise. As she dances and sings, she slaps the row of males in succession to exemplify her power.

Steggy’s Tango
Steg

Steg the Slasher

There is no rhyme or reason
For what you call indecent
It’s never out of season
What the male considers love
And just can’t get enough!

For when I spy my quarry
It’s all the same sad story
They never once feel sorry
‘Til they’re in it good and deep
And they are mine to keep!

They lose their grip
And try to trip
The light fandango
But all too soon
I change the tune
And they dance Steggy’s Tango

These stupid brutes
Love low-hung fruit
Like a firm, but juicy mango
But everyone
When I get done
Is dancing Steggy’s Tango!

Olé!

Steg sends the males away, so she can focus on her next quarry.

Steg: Hi Bert.
Bert: Oh, hi Steggy.
Steg: What are you doing?
Bert: Uh, another experiment. I’m trying to get this thing to stay down.
Steg: Can I help?
Bert: Hmm. Yes, you could.
Steg: OK. What do I do?
Bert: You sit on that end and keep it down while I sit on the other end.
Steg: OK.

Steg does so but her end goes up in the air.

Steg: Sorry, my end went up.
Bert: Too bad. I’ll let you down. Hmm… [He lets her down a bit.]
Steg: Hey, now you just went up.
Bert: You’re right. Let me try again.
Steg: Wee! This is fun.
Bert: [They go up and down a few times.] It’s no use. The other end always comes up.
Steg: Maybe that’s because it’s the same piece of wood?
Bert: What? Oh, uh, maybe so…
Steg: Bert, why don’t we see what happens when we both sit on the same end?
Bert: That’s worth a try.

They sit together and wait. Nothing happens, but Steg enjoys it.

Bert: The other end’s not moving. This doesn’t seem to work.
Steg: Maybe we need to wait a little longer?

They wait a little longer.

Bert: I’ve got an idea.
Steg: Me too.
Bert: We’ll sit at this end and drop a boulder on the other and see what happens. With us both on this end, I’m sure we can keep this thing down.
Steg: That sounds like fun.

Bert positions the boulder. He props it up with a small stick. Then he sits with Steg at the other end. They wait…

Bert: Get ready! [They wait…]
Steg: How are you going to pull the stick?
Bert: Oh, right.
Steg: Maybe you could use that vine?
Bert: To… uh?
Steg: To pull the stick?
Bert: Right. I was just going to try that.

Bert loops a vine around the stick. He goes back to the other end of the teeter totter with Steg. He’s holding the vine.

Bert: Are you ready?
Steg: Oh I’m ready.
Bert: OK. Here goes!

Bert pulls the vine, the stick moves and the rock falls. Bert and Steg go flying and land in a heap together. Enter Betty.

Steg: Wow! Bert, that was like flying!
Bert: That was exciting! Are you OK?
Steg: Oh I feel good!
Betty: What is going on here?
Bert: Oh, hi Betty. Steg was helping me with an experiment.
Betty: An experiment? So this is what you do when you’re experimenting!
Bert: No. No. It’s not what you think.
Steg: We were just trying out something Bert invented. When I went down, he went up and when I went up, he went down. Then it was like we were flying!
Bert: It was kinda fun.
Betty: I bet it was!
Bert: No, no Betty, it’s not what you think.
Betty: [to Steg] You, you… you get out of here before I forget I just like plants!
Steg: Ah Betty, can’t you let your lover boy have a little fun now and then?
Betty: Fun! Grr….
Steg: Alright I’ll leave. Hope to see you later Bertie.

Exit Steg.

Betty: Oh! That loose lizard! Always egging on some guy!
Bert: Really Betty, it was just a good clean fun.
Betty: If I hear ‘fun’ one more time, I swear I will…
Bert: But… but…
Betty: And where were you today?
Bert: I was right here; I thought that was part of the problem?
Betty: We were supposed to go out!
Bert: That was today? I forgot.
Betty: And what else is new?
Bert: Maybe we could do something now?
Betty: I have had it! Waiting eons for you – and then I catch you with that, that, creature!
Bert: But… but…
Betty: It’s over! Finished! Extinct! K-T!

While they argue, Poppa Tops and his gang enter. They are on their way to the City.

PT: Sorry to interrupt you two love-lizards. I’ve come for the recipe, Brain-osaurus.
Bert: Oh, here it is. [Bert hands PT a little recording lizard. PT taps the head of the lizard and it speaks.]
Lizard: “Set your volcano oven for 350. In a cauldron, mix I honeycomb, I dino-egg, and?”
PT: Alright, alright. By the way, have you come up with any new food ideas lately?
Bert: Not yet.
PT: Well, get that over-sized brain of your working! How about something herbivore-flavoured? (No offence Bert.)
Bert: I’ll see what I can do.
PT: Bert, you got to think food for mass consumption. Seems to me that after inventing the donut, you’ve been a dud.
Betty: Dud is right!
PT: See if you can get your boyfriend to think up with something useful.
Betty: He’s not my boyfriend. Not anymore!
PT: [to Betty] Hmm. That so? I like your attitude. Ever thought of moving to the City? I’m starting a new club and could use a creature with your, uh, talents.
Betty: I’d love to!
Bert: Betty!
PT: Good. Just drop in at the Big Bang Club and you got yourself a job. [to Bert:] And you: I want something brilliant or else! I don’t keep you on the payroll to play with sticks and stones.
Bert: But I did invent something new. Look. When this side goes down, the other goes up.
PT: Oh, very interesting. Humph! Let’s go boys. [starting to leave]
Bert: And I can use it to make things fly!
PT: Wait a minute! Did you say ‘Fly’? Now, that is interesting. How does it work?
Bert: Well, if you drop something heavy on this end, then whatever is on the other end will go flying.
PT: I’ve always wished I could fly. All those idiotic pterodactyls – no offence Rip – flapping around in the sky like they owned the place; and all of us good solid hardworking triceratops stuck here on the ground, having to watch their smug, beaky grins… Oo that just burns me up! Bert, I’ll give your invention a try.
Bert: Well, I’m not sure if?
PT: So, do I stand here?
Bert: Well, yeah, but…
PT: And what do you drop on the other end?
Bert: I use this rock.
PT: That little rock? That’s not heavy! If Poppa Tops is going to fly, he’s going to fly! Forget that piddly little stone. We need something heavy!

All heads slowly turn to look at Bron.

Bron: I’m a heavy…as heavy as a heavy can be.
PT: Bron, you go to the top of that cliff and jump, and land on the other end.
Bert: Mr. Tops, sir, I’m not sure if that is such a good idea
PT: You said heavy and Bron is heavy.
Bron: OK, PT. I’m on my way. [Sings: “Call me irresistible, dum dum dum deedum deedum…” as he goes off stage right.]
Bert: But… But…
PT: Boys, you’re about to witness the first flying triceratops.
Bert: But… Uh…
PT: What’s wrong? This thing works, don’t it? I’m going to go flying, right?
Bert: Yeah, you’ll go flying. It’s just?
PT: Let’s get started. Ready, Bron?
Bron: Ready, PT.
PT: On the count of three, Bron, you jump.
Bron: What’s a count?
PT: When you hear me say “three”, you jump off that cliff and land on that end of the log.
Bron: OK. What’s a three?
PT: It doesn’t matter! When you hear me say the word “three”, you just jump. OK?
Bron: Okeedokee!
PT: One!
Bert: What I was trying to say was…
PT: Two!
Bert: …that after you go flying, I don’t know how you’re going to…
PT: Three!
Bron: Was that the “three” I was waiting for?
PT: Not the sharpest claw on the paw. OK you pea-brain, just jump!
Bert: But I don’t know how you’re going to land!!!
Bron: Here goes!!!!

We see Bron’s feet below the proscenium as he leaps off the cliff. His feet stop in mid-air, suspended, like a freeze frame. But we must leave it there because it is:

Intermission

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