Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 1 & 2

Dramatis Dinosaurae

Bert, our hero  -  hadrosaur
Betty, our heroine  -  unaysaurus
Poppa Tops, ruthless tycoon  -  torosaurus
Premier Rex Hoodwink, corrupt politician  -  tyrannosaurus
Spinner, VP Communications  -  TBA
Betty’s Mom  -  mature unaysaurus
Tarsands Gang:
   Bron the Bruiser  -  brontosaurus
   Rip the Pterror  -  pterrible pterodactyl
   Ugh the Thug  -  carnotaurus tough guy
   Steg the Slasher  -  stegosaurian moll
The Stonettes (Betty’s friends & backup vocalists):
   Madge  -  TBA
   Ruth  -  TBA
   Claire  -  TBA
   Freda  -  TBA
Gravel Pit Workers:
   Boris  -  pachycephalosaur
   Frank  -  pachycephalosaur
   Cyril  -  pachycephalosaur
   Louie  -  pachycephalosaur
Bert & Betty’s Offspring:
   Archie  -  archaeopteryx
   Trixie  -  archaeopteryx
   Obie  -  archaeopteryx
Chow Down Executives:
   Scalar, VP Market Research  -  TBA
   Adder, VP Finance  -  TBA
   DR, VP Dino Resources  -  TBA
The Denizens  -  assorted dinosaurs

Note: the type of dinosaur for many characters is marked TBA, so that the costume director has free rein in this area. See addendum for suggestions.

Scene 1
At the Dawn of Time – a display of stones containing fossils

Lights fade up on various rock formations with fossilized shapes. One by one, the fossil shapes transform into living creatures who come out of the various rocks. After transforming, each dinosaur sings: At the dawn of time, long before before began. The number of transformations increases, until all the fossils have been transformed, forming a chorus.

At the Dawn of Time

At the dawn of time
Long before before began
At the dawn of time
Before any trace of man
At the dawn of time
There’s a story that the silent rocks remember

Let your sense of time just slip away
Many million years can vanish in a day
Let the breezes blow
Let dying embers grow to a flame.

At the dawn of time
Long before before began
At the dawn of time
Long before before began

[many overlapping voices enter]

Many million years can vanish in a day
Vanish in a day…

*     *     *

The creatures leave the stage, except for Bert who looks up at the sky.

Bert: Strange. There’s a new star in the sky. Very bright. Hmm.

Bert shakes his head and exits.

Scene 2
Stony landscape in Yucatan – 65 million years ago

Up-tempo salsa music. It is party time in Yucatan. A smoking volcano is in the background. All of the creatures seem to get along well. Some are munching on veggies; others have a barbecued rodent-on-a-stick; others are just moving around or hanging out.


Only the old is new in Yucatan
Each day so like the last in Yucatan
Knowing that all we need to do
Is live like in the past
We live, die and live again
In Yucatan

Radiant is the dawn in Yucatan
Shimmering are the stars in Yucatan
And always hearing a song play on and on
Of Venus and of Mars
We live, die and live again
In Yucatan

This is our story:
Time immemorial
Without beginning
Always with time to tell
With time to tell

Only the old is new in Yucatan
Each day so like the last in Yucatan
Knowing that all we need to do
Is live like in the past
We live, die and live again
We live, die and live again
We live, die and live again
In Yucatan

In Yucatan
In Yucatan

*     *     *

The various dinosaurs, in the ensemble, relax and begin to doze off. From the back of the stage, a fierce-looking T-Rex peers over a rock and then sneaks up them. It appears to be certain doom for some, but the T-Rex is none other than Premier Hoodwink. He is wearing a Vote for Premier Hoodwink button. Just when you think he is going to slaughter an herbivore, he flips on a flat straw hat, raises a megaphone and rouses everyone. His entourage follows.

Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan!!!
Dinos: [various shocked reactions:] What? Uh! What is it? Oh. It’s him. I wish he wouldn’t do that. What is it? Etc.
Hoodwink: [oblivious] We have enjoyed millions of years of prosperity in Yucatan. Under the leadership of Premier Hoodwink, – that’s me! – our land has flourished.
Dino_1: Has anything changed?
Hoodwink: Dinosaurs have lots to eat. Herbivores may safely graze – except for the odd one we theropods consume – and the surrounding woodlands and mountain caves continue to afford us comfortable habitats.
Dino_2: [To the Premier:] Have you already eaten today?
Dino_3: Yeah, what are you up to?
Hoodwink: Denizens of Yucatan, and scrumptious herbivores, I have come – not to feed upon you – but to feed your minds. In the forthcoming election, we all must do our civic duty. Each of us must decide who is best to lead Yucatan into the future eons.
Dino_1: Is someone else running this time?
Hoodwink: I ask you for your vote. I want to work with you all, together, as a team. I pledge to end all corruption and nepotism.
Dino_2: Nepo-what?
Dino_3: Yeah, right!
Hoodwink: No more favoritism. It won’t be who you know but what you’re made of that counts!
Dino_1: I knew it! He wants to eat us!
Hoodwink: A clean responsive government is the benchmark of Team Hoodwink.
Dino_4: Sounds like the same speech from the last ten elections.

While the Premier goes on and on, Bert enters. He has a club/pestle on his shoulder and is dragging a bag. He sets these down and then drags on a large stone mortar. He puts some grain from the bag into the mortar and begins to pound away.

Hoodwink: And so, good denizens of Yucatan, I humbly ask for your support. Election day is decision day, a day when all creatures speak. We all must do our civic duty and cast our ballot. Remember, a vote for me is a vote for you!
And now, I am pleased to be joined by the other members of the Premier Hoodwink Re-Election Team. Let me introduce Ugh and Rip.

During this last bout of baffle-gab, two nasty looking characters enter. Ugh and Rip, thugs from the Tarsands Boys, flank the Premier. The denizens take notice and begin to be more responsive to Premier Hoodwink’s speech. Their sarcasm has been replaced by coerced enthusiasm.

Dino_3: Yeah.
Dino_2: Vote for Premier Hoodwink!
Dino_1: Is there anyone else to vote for?
Hoodwink: I regret that my competitor, Herb Ivor, has dropped out of the race. Herb was such an outstanding, – and delectable – citizen. He will be sorely missed in public life.
My dear Denizens, please don’t think of it as me seeking re-election. Think of it as you, the Yucatanians, expressing your will. It is all of you who must choose the best leader, a leader who will take you boldly into the future.

Betty and some of her friends enter. They notice Bert. They join the crowd, appearing only marginally interested in politics. Bert, however, is totally absorbed in his work and is oblivious to all else around him. The Tarsands Boys work the crowd and nudge any disinterested creatures until they become enthusiastic.

Hoodwink: Do want to enter a future of chaos and uncertainty?
Dinos: No!
Hoodwink: Do you want a future of continued prosperity?
Dinos: Yes!
Hoodwink: Do you want a future you can trust?
Dinos: Yes!
Hoodwink: Then vote for a leader you can trust!
Dinos: Yes!
Hoodwink: And who is that leader?
Dinos: Hoodwink!
Hoodwink: Who is that leader?
Dinos: Hoodwink!
Hoodwink: Who is the one who deserves your vote?
Dinos: Hoodwink! Hoodwink! Hoodwink!
Hoodwink: Yes, my friends, the leader you need, the leader who has given you stability and responsible government, the leader who has tirelessly served you in the past and will lead you triumphantly into the future, stands humbly before you. On election day, “Re-elect Premier Hoodwink!”
Dinos: Hoodwink! Hoodwink! Re-Elect Premier Hoodwink!
Hoodwink! Hoodwink! Re-Elect Premier Hoodwink!
Hoodwink: Thank you, thank you for this overwhelming and touching show of support. Remember folks, “A vote for Hoodwink is a vote for nothing new under the sun”  just lots more of that good old prosperity and success!
Dinos: Hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
Hoodwink: And now, friends, you’re all invited back to my office for a reception. Munchies are on me! And, my dear and yummy herbivores, fear not! You are all invited to have a snack, not to be a snack.

All exit except Betty, her friends (aka The Stonettes) and Bert.

Betty: What are you up to Bert?
Bert: What? Oh, hi Betty.
Betty: What are you doing?
Bert: It’s an experiment.
Betty: What’s that?
Bert: I’m going to see what happens when I mix these things together.
Betty: Sounds awesome. When are you going to be done?
Bert: I can’t really say. It’s when something interesting happens – or when I run out things to try.
Betty: You did promise to go out with me today.
Bert: Oh, was that today? I forgot.
Betty: Again. Why don’t you take a break and come with us?
Others: Yeah!
Freda: We’re going to the dance.
Bert: That sounds like fun, but I really want to finish this first. Tomorrow for sure, I’ll go dancing. [music starts]
Betty: You said that yesterday!
Freda: And the day before!
Claire: And the day before that!
Betty: You should come now.
Others: Yeah! C’mon Bert!
Madge: I bet you look cute when you shake that tail of yours! [Betty scowls.]
Bert: I’m sorry girls; I need to work a little longer.
Betty: Bert, you need to have a little real fun now and then. You’re all work and no play!
Betty sings with her friends doing backup vocals. Each Stonette pops up and down like a whack-a-mole when they sing their words.

Betty: a unaysaurus

Oh Bertie!
Betty & the Stonettes

Oh Bertie (Bert, Bert, Bert, Bert)
Won’t you come out and play (Play, play, play, come and play)
Oh Bertie
Won’t you come out today?

Every time I ask you out (shoop, shoop)
You got too much to do (Too much to do)
Why are you always such a lout? (shoop, shoop)
I’m such a fool to wait for you! (Fool to wait for you)

Oh Bertie (sim. back vocals)
Won’t you come out and play
Oh Bertie
Won’t you come out today?

Betty and friends exit. Bert continues to experiment. He tosses various things into the bowl, such as a beehive and an egg he pilfers from a nearby nest. (The mother dinosaur scratches her head as she counts her eggs.)

In the background the volcano, Mount Lava-Lamp, is glowing redder and redder. There is a rumbling noise. Other dinosaurs run by in panic, yelling to take cover. Bert though is absorbed and continues mixing his goop. Finally there is an eruption and the shaking knocks Bert off his feet. A red-hot rock is spewed from the volcano and lands in his mortar. The volcano calms down while the music begins as a low drone.

Also Sprach Shave and a Haircut

Bert goes to the cauldron and when the smoke has cleared. Other dinos creep out from the sides of the stage to see what happened. Bert reaches in and pulls out a perfectly baked, very large donut at a triumphant chord.

The denizens all sing: All hail the mmm mmm!, mumbling the name because they don’t know what to call it. During the singing, Spinner ducks out. Towards the end of the song, he returns with Poppa Tops. PT, as he is known to his associates is an imposing figure. He puffs on a stogy and inspires dread in the various denizens.

All hail the mmm mmm?
(company – SATB choir – no demo yet)

All hail the mmm mmm?
This thing that smells so sweet
All hail the mmm mmm?
Tell us what can it be?

PT: What’s all the commotion here?
Dinos: “It’s Poppa Tops!” “Oh, oh!” “Careful!” “It’s the Gravel Don himself!” Etc.
Spin: This is the thing I was telling you about, PT.
PT: Very interesting. Who’s responsible for this?

Poppa Tops: a torosaurus

Bert: I am.
PT: So what is it?
Bert: I don’t have a name for it yet. It’s made from dough and it’s sweet, and round. And it’s got a hole in the middle.
PT: Let me see that thing. Hmm. Smells OK. Let’s see what it tastes like. Hmm. Not bad. Try some spinner.
Spin: Very yummy boss.
PT: I think you might have something here, uh- What did you say your name was?
Bert: I didn’t say. It’s Bert.
PT: I think you might have something here, Bert. Let’s see what the other creatures think of it. Come and get it you dodos!

Poppa Tops tears off hunks and throws it to the throngs. They go wild for the samples, much to PT’s delight.

PT: Lovely, just lovely. Great response, wouldn’t you say, Spinner?
Spin: Fabulous PT. Fabulous. They’re going nuts for the dough.
PT: “Nuts for the dough.” I like that Spinner.
Spin: Yeah, they’re a bunch of ‘dough nuts’, PT.
PT: ‘Dough nuts’! Perfect! We’ll call this thing a doughnut. Hunks of dough that drive you nuts! I love it!
Spin: Great idea, PT.
PT: Glad I thought of it. Bert, you seem pretty smart for a hadrosaur. In fact, you’re so smart that I know, that you’ll know, that I am going to offer you the deal of a lifetime.
Bert: You are?
PT: You bet I am. Nature knows I could use some brains in my operation. Here’s the deal: You like to experiment, don’t you? You like to make things up, right?
Bert: Well, yeah.
PT: You give us the recipe for the ‘dough nut’ and we’ll make you our Head of Research & Development.
Bert: What’s that?
PT: You get to spend all your time experimenting – goofing around with stuff really – and you get paid to do it! Cushy, eh? We’ll start production of the donut right away. Before you know it, we’ll be making millions and millions of donuts!
Bert: I’m not so sure if it’s a good idea to make so many.
PT: Bert, if I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you. Leave the big picture stuff to me. Just get me the damn recipe and I’ll figure out how to manufacture these suckers. And you, Bert: you get to go on making up new things until your scales fall off – and all on company time!
Bert: Well, I…
PT: It’s a deal. And when Poppa Tops says it’s a deal, it’s a deal. Come on Spinner. We got work to do. We’ll be back for the recipe later.

Poppa Tops and Spinner exit. The creatures are celebrating, imagining a future with millions and millions of yummy donuts! Betty is caught up in the excitement and runs up to Bert to give him a big hug.

Betty: Bert! My hero!
Bert: But I really didn’t do that mu-
Betty: Let’s hear it for Bert everyone!
All: Hooray! Hip! Hip! Hooray!
Betty: Wait till I tell my mom. She won’t think you’re a loser now!
Bert: She thinks I’m a–
Betty: My sweety!
All: Hooray for Bert! Hip! Hip! Hooray!

The company sings the chorus, but now with the words “All hail the donut!” They hoist up the hapless Bert up and carry him off stage.

All hail the Donut!
(SATB choir – written by not recorded yet)

All hail the donut!
So round and oh so sweet
All hail the donut!
That we cannot wait to eat

So light?
Oh such a yummy treat!
So right?
Oh we can’t wait to eat:
This dough!
This dough!
This dough! So, so
In the shape of an ‘O’
And so:

All hail the donut!
So round and oh so sweet
All hail the donut!
Let us eat, eat and eat!
All hail the donut!
Let us eat, eat and eat!

This entry was posted in Script - scenes 1 & 2. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.